What is it like to live for myself?

I don't quite understand it. I've been trying to do the so-called self-focus things, but I still don't quite get the concept of it.

I try to be self-aware, trying to pause myself and think before I react, trying to talk and comfort myself in different kinds of situations. But when it comes to alone time, I still feel so empty and worthless.

I run, i keep diary, I read, I do things that I like to do, and I learn counseling theories and techniques. But when I feel like I might be abandoned, all in my head are still suicial thing. Even when I calm down, I am puzzled by this meaningless feeling.

Somebody help me out here.