When Your Mother has a Borderline Personality

*Trigger Warning*

As a daughter whose mother was diagnosed narcissistic and likely had BPD herself, I can relate to the fundamental mis-handlings of domestic abuse. One of the most important aspects of BPD is described as "unpredictable raging." This indicates a highly irritable and impulsively angry mother in place of the loving dynamic needed for children to thrive. My mother was overtly critical and showed little to no physical affection until my adult years, which by then had become foreign and uncomfortable. She had a number of abusive male partners and impulsive relocations that contributed the the chaos in our home. I attended six high schools in four years.

Another feature of this narcissism includes manipulation. My mother has an extremely difficult time living outside her own head. As a result, she often exudes poorly worded sentences and lackadaisical decision making. An example of this would be when I came out of the closet as bisexual in my teens, and after her utter refusal to accept me she said, "Are you trying to hurt me?"

I can recall many a day of a raging abusive mother, the kind that brushes your hair too hard and chases you up flights of stairs, the kind that sends you to your room only to follow screaming, the kind you don't wake in the mornings for any sort of need.

I left home at 17 after my first psych ward hospitalization with a full blown drug addiction that would later evolve into additional abusive partnerships, eating disorders, self-injury, and suicide attempts. Several years later I found saving in the birth of my son and have been working on myself ever since.

My mother started to grow in her 40's. Having lost me entirely, both emotionally and physically, she finally came to me asking to rebuild. I am happy to say that after 25 dark years we have been able to do that with a great deal of effort from both sides. I see her in two year increments and write letters often. This has included healthy boundaries and productive discussion.

It is important to note here that many individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder experience a sort of arrested development. This means that their emotional state has not matured or evolved despite their chronological age.This can also take place as a result of addiction and/or trauma and indicates a lacking capacity rather than intention. In my mother's case- both are true. I would say one of the scariest things I've ever seen is a full blown regression where even her voice changed, but she was never intentionally malicious. I think she is truly a deeply sad and lost woman in her own right, separate from her role as my mother.

I have been able to grace my mother with a great deal of compassion due to the nature of her own pain, and what the complete inability to manage a massive storm of intensely overwhelming emotions feels like- the sheer mockery and embarrassment of madness. I know this because I live with it everyday - but the child in me might never forgive her profound un-willingness to seek help.

Additional Reading: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children