bpd jealousy

@chaoticbard

I have BPD, Bipolar Disorder type 2, every anxiety disorder plus panic attacks, etc...I've known about everything but the BPD for 20 years and the BPD for about 13 years or so. The point being, I should be able to deal with the extreme emotions that I know I will experience, but sometimes it doesn't matter how long u have known about ur diagnosis, things happen and unfortunately it's a lot harder for people who have BPD to react "normally". Normal doesn't really exist, it's a self-centered perception meaning it means whatever we decide it means.

I've been married for 16 years and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my husband would never cheat on me, but occasionally when I'm overly stressed, tired, worried about something, depressed, anxious, or any combination of negative feelings I will accuse him of cheating on me when he took longer than I thought he would at 711, 2 blocks from our apartment. He's aware of my diagnoses and has learned to just reassure me, apologize, and ask what he can do to help me not be as upset as I am...I always apologize later, but I know it's exhausting for him to deal with random outbursts that he has no way of predicting.

It's just as exhausting for me. I never know when I'll suddenly get hit by what feels like a wave of an extreme emotion that causes me to react in a way that isn't "normal".

Honestly, it will probably take a long time to get ur extreme emotional reactions under some type of control. I have been in therapy since I was 16, first CBT and then I switched to DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) because it's the most effective therapy for BPD and has the best potential for success because it's uniquely adapted specifically for BPD. I have also been on several psychotropic medications which have helped me control my emotions easier, however there are no medications approved for BPD but occasionally ur psychiatrist might decide that they would help. It's great that u stopped cutting, but any type of self harm is cause for concern, and I know, personally, how difficult it is to be honest with ur therapist and/or psychiatrist about it, but I implore u to do so. I also recommend discussing what u wrote in ur post with them, as well. There are coping techniques that can be used to make it a little easier to regulate ur emotions.

I didn't find out about the BPD diagnosis until about 13 years ago, but I have a degree in psychology and with hindsight I now know that I started showing symptoms around the end of 11th grade (that's also when I began to self-harm), my high school boyfriend of 4 years graduated a year before me so it progressed slightly my senior year because I was still in high school, but he was 4 hours away at college. He came home almost every weekend, but I remember how furious I would get if he had to stay at school and study rather than come home to see me, I felt out of control with fury, call him obsessively, and break objects. By the time I graduated and started college, I knew that something more was going on, but I didn't know what. My boyfriend and I were still together but still 3 hours apart and had less time to spend together, but whereas I had a ton of friends in high school (I lived in a small town and knew my classmates since elementary school, we were all friends with each other) I had 1, we went to high school together, in college and no clue how to actually make friends because I never really needed to learn how. So I couldn't distract myself with my friends like I did in high school, instead I struggled to not cry when it was time for class because I didn't want to be around a bunch of people that didn't seem to like me at all. I became really depressed and anxious to the point of hiding in my room (my roommates actually grew up in the same neighborhood as our college so I rarely saw either of them). My boyfriend had visited a few times in the first 2 months or so and realized that I wasn't ok at all, he told my grandparents (I lived with them). I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, she never considered a personality disorder, who changed my medicine and I seemed to be a little better, but I decided to check myself into the psych ward at the end of the year after talking to one of my professors who was still practicing psychiatry part time. I broke up with my boyfriend, it was genuinely mutual, and he's one of my best friends now (I was able to finally explain why I was acting like I was and apologize, but he apologized for not being able to help more and we're grateful for each other both then and now). Part of my apology was for attacking him several times when I was upset. I realize now, with hindsight, he and I should've broken up when I realized how difficult it was for me to just get through the week so I could see him, it was unhealthy and unfair to both of us. I know u don't want to hear this, but perhaps u should consider distancing yourself from ur crush, I assume ur friendship is the most important of the 2 relationships? If not, then perhaps the opposite. Either way, u are likely to keep responding in a similar manner and it's dangerous, but also unfair for all 3 of u.

I truly wish u the best of luck, and I'm sorry ur suffering.

@chaoticbard

Dear Chaoticbard,

I can see in how a difficult position you are in. The feelings of jelousy you are having regarding this I would actually describe as being normal despite the BPD. If my friend would be best friends with my crush, I believe I would feel just the same as you do. This feeling is present also among what we would describe as "healthy" folks too - just the way you are coping with the feeling is something we need to work on.

Regarding the whole situation, none of the options really seem to be as convenient, because forbiding your friend to hang out with your crush wouldn't be a solution (I see that this would only cause a huge conflict between you and your friend, and even with your crush - correct me if I am wrong). In any case, I don't see it as the right course of action.

Now, the other options you have are perhaps these. You can choose to distance yourself for a certain amount of time from your friend and your crush. You do this not out of some passive-agression, but as a means for yourself to come to peace. Perhaps this would be something you could even talk through with your friend and make sure they understand that you are not ending your relationship, but that you need some time for yourself.

Another option might be, talking to your friend about how you feel and asking that they involve you more in their hangouts with your crush, if that is something they are okay with. In this way, you would get to spend time with both of them and wouldn't feel excluded.

Last option that comes to my mind is just acceptance - letting the situation be as it is and finding new ways to cope with the emotions caused by seeing them together. I think that this might even be the most difficult one and it requires a lot of strength from your side, as this acceptance will be a repetitive, ongoing process - that is, each time you see them together, emotions will come up.

These are just some ideas I managed to brainstorm right now, but please, if you have other ideas, of course implement your own and the ones you see as the best fit given this specific situation ❤️

Now, ideas to cope: get yourself a punching bag and some boxing gloves. Please never box on hard surfaces, and never, under any circumstances, with your bare fists. The bag and gloves will prevent you from getting hurt. Other ideas would be, taking a run and letting the anger out through movement. Also, creating something - writing down your emotions, and if you feel like it, burning the peace of paper. Other ideas: swimming, yoga, listening to music, venting to a good friend, and maybe just having a good cry would also prove as being helpful...

I hope that this was helpful... Take care and speak kindly to yourself ❤️