i don’t know what to do
there is someone i’ve been talking to for a few months now, keep in mind this is all online through twitter/discord/snapchat. we like each other and even they’ve told me are in love with me, but they told me they weren’t made for relationships which i’m okay with considering i’m not really made for them either, but we still treat each other like lovers so it’s confusing. my days consist on watching stuff with them on discord and just talking almost the whole day, and when we are together i feel complete but the moment she says she has plans with friends or anything else to do i immediately feel replaced or that maybe they prefer being with someone else and they don’t really enjoy their time with me. i was diagnosed with bpd a year ago, that sort of makes everything worse for me. i am constantly needing reassurance which i don’t ask for because i fear she will grow tired of me if i do, considering i am always overthinking the things she says and does. she is always very supportive and tells me she could never get tired of me for needing reassurance but sometimes i need so much and i just. can’t. a while ago one of my family members had covid and she was there for me like deadass spent every hour with me making sure i was okay. she posted so much about me, saying how she was in love with me or how i made her happy. she started college and those posts stopped and i told her it made me feel like maybe she was losing interest. she reassured me that she wasn’t and she hadn’t even realized she had stopped which was fine, i tried my hardest to understand and she posted me like two more times but now she’s stopped again and it’s making me overthink again that maybe she’s ashamed of me or wants to keep me a secret and i don’t know if that’s justified at all or what but getting these thoughts make me want to lock myself in my room forever and never go out again. i get so extremely upset because i could be talking to her just fine and then i remember this about not showing me off anymore and my mood changes immediately and i become so cold and distant until i can make myself believe that she does love me. keep in mind, she is always posting her friends, she posted this screenshot once of a snap her friend sent her and she won’t even screenshot my pictures or compliment me if i post one but then in private she’s all romantic and nice and i don’t know what to think and it hurts. i don’t know what i’m seeking for here, i know i should confront her but at the same time i feel so worthless thinking all these things to the point i don’t want to face her without asking her to just listen to me and understand and god i don’t know.
@jkoos Hey, thank you for opening up! I can see that there's been a lot on your mind. It's understandable to feel confused about what exactly you're looking for in a relationship that is not defined. You mentioned that you both feel that you all aren't made for relationships but have been treating each other like you are lovers. Perhaps it might help to explore that and discuss it with her if you're comfortable doing so. That confirmation can help with the confusion. From what you have said, you seem to have a fairly supportive relationship with her and she's responded well to you talking to her about similar things before. Based on that understanding, she might respond well to this as well. You know your situation best so you'll be in the best position to determine how you want to proceed.
I don't think you're worthless at all! You're attached to her and really care about the relationship you two have. When she seems distant or certain aspects of your interactions change, you get upset and have negative thoughts about yourself and doubt the nature of your relationship. Sometimes these thoughts are persistent and you feel like shutting yourself away. Negative thoughts can be very difficult to deal with because it makes us feel like something is wrong regardless of whether it actually is, and drains our mental resources. I hope you'll be kind to yourself in this process. Please reach out to a listener here if you ever want to talk 1-1 about it. Have a great day! 😊
