remission
my dr told me that i'm in remission from psychotic bpd.
it all happened after my first psychosis...
and now i feel awful. why ? because i want to be sick, that's why
i just want to suffer, but it seems like i can't feel any intense emotion anymore.
i still cut myself, but that's not enough symptoms for someone to be diagnosed with bpd. i just don't belong in there, i just feel it, i can't deal with that
i've lived with this illness for years and years and now... gone ?
i'm not happy about that. my illness became my personality; actually it IS my personality because it's a PERSONALITY disorder.
i want a relapse, but you don't get relapse just by wanting it and we all know that
deep down i feel empty and really sad about my remission. i want to be sick and that's it, but i can't change the fact that i'm actually in remission.
i just want it all to stop, i don't want to live this way, i just don't, i'm not sick anymore and i'm even questioning myself if i was sick AT ALL
because i know i wasn't
it wouldn't end this way if i really was sick
but i have no emotions. i just want it back.
i. just. want. it. back.!
but i know and i feel it, i feel that i'm never going to be sick again and that my relapse is never going to happen
i feel like i'm going to be stuck in this forever.
i don't want to be healthy. i want to be sick. that's part of me and i'm no-one without my illness
....
"illness"
@FuturePsychologist2
Hey there! I'm sorry to hear you're stuggling so much with regards to being in remission from BPD. I can understand the anxiety that comes with not being "sick" anymore and then questioning whether you were ever "sick" in the first place, and not knowing who you are anymore. I know I struggle with the idea of reaching the point of remission with BPD. Part of me wants to so badly because I want to be happy, but another part of me is absolutely terrified, so everytime I'm doing well I create some sort of crisis to keep me in the Borderline cycle.
I hope that it gets easier for you. <3
@FuturePsychologist2 I'm not a psychologist, but from what I read in your message, I'm not really convinced that you're in remission. What Dr told you that you are? A psychiatrist?
I understand the feeling though, as well as what @InvaderStitch mentioned. That it's so much a part of us that we can't imagine anything different. Anything different seems almost impossible or terrifying. But I'm sure that as we heal, it becomes a natural part of our lives, slowly but surely, and we'll WANT to be healed.
Anyway, these are just my thoughts.