Avoidant & Narcissistic Tendencies
I’ve never gone into any therapy session and I know I should never self diagnose myself but looking back at how I keep failing to regulate my emotions, being self centered and hurting people in the process, I think I might have avoidant or narcissistic tendencies.
I’ve only realized about it recently because a friend told me I was upsetting them by my ups and downs moods, making them feel like they’re at fault, when I know they’re not. There were times we argued and I remembered, instead of feeling bad and acknowledged myself for in the wrong, I tended to prefer avoiding the talk to clear things up, feeling upset because they’re upset.
I want to be a better person and a better friend but now I feel like I don’t deserve this friendship because I think I might keep making them upset and in pain by just talking to them. I think people are better off without having me around. I don’t think I deserve feeling good. All I feel now is guilt.
This is just me sharing my thoughts but if whoever read this has any advice for me, I’ll be grateful.
@moondust17
Hello 😊 Certainly, even to my unprofessional eyes, you do NOT sound like a narcissistic person. Such a person would not care about other people's emotions or benefits/losses, and would not doubt he or she was the best person ever created.
Avoidant? Maybe also not as much and clinical as you think. I think, you might be avoiding things which you find particularly painful or difficult. But facing them is better, I believe.
It rather looks like a natural confusion, especially happening on some stages of your therapy. You hurt, because you feel lost and suffer, and make mistakes - and you feel guilty, because you are not a bad person, and tend to care about others. You feel like they deserve something better than your company, but it can be based on your low self-esteem, not on their needs. Maybe that could be worth checking.
You might also be a bit self-centred when you know that something in your life needs some improvement, and you are still looking for the right, healthy boundaries.
@moondust17
Oops. Sorry. It seems like I misread the part of your post saying that you are NOT during any regular therapy with a therapist now. But I believe realising our shortcomings and looking for personal growth is some kind of a self-therapy, too. Though it is still better to have a chance to find some external perspective, by a honest talk with a therapist or other people - what, it seems, you have already started 😊
Hi, thank you for the kind reply.
I hope I can believe your words that it’s only a natural confusion but how bad I was treating someone has been a cycle for months and I only noticed how truly bad I’ve been when they decided they have enough and consider not having me in their life again. I don’t want that happening yet it feels so selfish to not let go. I’ve been trying to be better, more empathetic, more patient, but I still hurt them with my thoughtless words. I’m now wondering if it’s better to let them be and slowly keeping my distance. I feel like I will keep hurting them, even if it might be unintentional, and I don’t want that. I might be hurt by them and by other things in the past but that’s not the reason for inflicting pain on someone. Yet I feel so bad and lonely right now.
@moondust17
How do you think you could change it? I mean: how would you like to change your behaviours which are harmful to others, and at the same time hurtful to you?
It looks like you feel hurt inside and some wounds might need to be healed.
I thought my biggest issue was how I reacted to something that upset me so I have toned down my reaction. Giving it more time before responding so I could do it with a cool head. It worked for the past few days. Then I slipped. I didn’t lose control over my emotions but I said something thoughtlessly and it hurt someone. I feel like giving up on myself right now, because whatever I do, I guess will never be right.
And things messing with my head right now. I could say this, I could say things to explain myself and it all feels like I’m making an excuse to my horrible behavior even though it’s not.
I’m considering therapy too but I’m reluctant. Not because I don’t want to get better. I’m not used to sharing personal issue with anyone and I’m not sure where to start. I did it here because I don’t have to meet anyone directly, which would make me nervous. And is it weird that I feel scared in case I was actually diagnosed with something. I don’t mean to offend anyone, but it feels kind of scary and lonely to find out.
@moondust17
It sounds like you struggle with some anger management issues, either blocking this emotion, or letting it go in a harmful and not very controlled way.
The way the emotional confusion sometimes went with me: I am making mistakes (because making mistakes is very human; we learn on making mistakes), or someone is making me angry by crossing my boundaries. I feel angry and guilty at the same time - because of my anger. Also, I feel rejected by the person who is the cause, so getting angry about them, too. I am scolding myself for doing the wrong thing. And then scolding myself for either scolding myself at all, or for not doing that enough. I feel worthless and alienated. Seems like not a safe and peaceful place around. Then I am making other mistakes...
At some point that becomes a crazy loop. And that is the point when a professional, warm and trustworthy therapist can support us with some "external lookout", to break this vicious circle. But yes, it takes finding a therapist you can feel good with and work with well.
Actually, it was sometimes very relieving for me getting to know that I was not suffering from any major disorders - usually it's "only" emotions. I believe the therapists are not supposed to come with any diagnose, in particular not during the first few meetings.
But, hey, if you are not feeling comfortable with telling your sensitive things to someone, or just don't wanna do it too suddenly, I think 7 Cups might be the right place for you to give it a try.
Thanks for sharing that. I actually find it relatable. It’s easy for me to get angry at something, be it because someone stepping into my safe zone, my boundaries, or simply just being there at the wrong time. But just a few moments after that I usually feel guilty when I couldn’t control it, ending up beating myself hard because of it, pulling myself away from people because I know how unpleasant I could be. Yet it kept happening when something upset me again.
I think you’re right. I need a professional help for this part. I wasn’t sure where to start but I guess I can start from here.
What do you do to control yourself better back then? I’m just curious maybe the same method could work, while I’m gathering the courage to actually make an appointment with a professional.
@moondust17
In my personal experience people who struggle with anger may have been raised the harsh, cold way, as the result having high expectations towards themselves, to other people and to the world. Maybe often those expectations are not very realistic. Sometimes we've been not loved unconditionally, been abused, our boundaries crossed or our very important needs neglected.
Do you think any of those might be relevant to you? For me it was good getting to the source of the problem, not just fighting the results. And believing I am not deliberately and from my nature an evil one, in the first place.
Honestly, sometimes I think my problems are not enough for making me feel this unwell. My parents are not abusive, they don’t really set a high standard for me and I never really being a bad kid. Still, I’m not close to any of them to the point I never really shared anything that bothers me ever since I was a kid. Is it possible that the anger issue is passed down from a parent? My dad is not abusive to me but I remember when I was a child wondering why he’s friendly to everyone but always having this grumpy look and sharp tone when he spoke to us, his family, I remember him throwing something at my mom because he’s angry. I grew up feeling scared of him and eventually just can’t stand being in the same room with him sometimes.
@moondust17
I think it's hard to say definitely without going deeper into your feelings and personal story. That is what therapies are usually for.
As far as I know you cannot "inherit" in your genes anything that is different than strictly physical (I mean things like being neurologically sensitive or prone to hypertension or depression). But you can unconsciously adapt some patterns you see in people around you as "normal", even if they are hurtful.
When you say you were scared of your father and felt uncomfortable with him in the same room, that means something. Today's definition of aggression is much broader, and it includes not only hitting or shouting. It happened to me to throw things (and later regret) when I was frustrated and very angry, but I have never thrown things at someone (especially keys or glass, that could do a lot of harm), so I imagine the cumulated anger must have been really high.
