How to live be two people in one body
Hi, it's very difficult for me to talk about this... At the age of 15, due to severe bullying since I was five, I ended up developing DID (Multiple Personality Disorder). At first, I didn't know what was happening to me, I don't even remember the beginning very well, I just know that I was a different person. I began to be two people, a boy and a girl, quite different from each other, but I remembered what he was going through as if I had lived through it myself, but without deciding anything, just as a memory. I could also talk to him and decide things for both of us. I told my friends about it and they took it well, they even interacted with us. I suppose because of our ages, they thought it was just a game.
I'm telling this because now, 20 years ago, I'm realizing what's affecting my life. I often get ansiety, which cause me migraines, and I have to take anti-anxiety pills to help with them. My family already knows this, and almost everyone who's been in my life... But I'm still not feeling well.
I get along very well with my alter ego; he's like a brother to me, and we look out for each other... But there are clear differences in how each of us has fared in life. He's married and lives with his wife, who's my best friend, like my sister too. I, who used to have a strong personality, have been waning and adapting to him in order to help... We've both come to the conclusion that this isn't good for either of us. To adapt socially, we've hidden this in all the jobs, volunteer work, and places we've been, and our parents didn't find out until about seven years ago.
He used to be the one who hid, and I stood out, and for about five years now, it's been the other way around. I'm really afraid to talk about it, but we're out of work, we're barely studying, and now we don't even have a social life... We live far from our families... The fact is, we need people to get to know each of us because we get depressed... it's as if one of us doesn't exist if we don't, and it's taking its toll on us. But we're really afraid that people will look at us like we're freaks when we're completely normal people, just living in the same body.
I'm at a point in my life where I'm increasingly afraid to talk about myself and interact with others... But I need to do something... work, socialize, feel part of this world, because it seems like I'm just a ghost in someone's mind. I've recently been trying to sign up for volunteer work, because my alter and I like similar things. I'd like to be able to tell you what's happening to us so we can both do it... but I don't know what to do. Maybe they won't even call us when they find out... Should I just say it publicly in every single thing I do? I don't know what to do...
Thanks for reading this far, and I'm sorry for the chaos... it's just so hard for me to talk about this.
@Hermanos
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Thanks for sharing and being open.
I can see how hard it is for you.
I would personally only share this information with people who are close to me, open and who can understand.
I know it feels isolating but most people don't have the information to understand what you are going through.
I'm sorry that you were bullied so badly.
Have you ever talked to a professional, so that they can give you the tools and advice to enable you to have these difficult conversations?
I'm genuinely wishing you the best moving forward 💕💜
@Amanda84 Hi Amanda, thank you so much for responding and trying to help me. Personally, our bullying case was quite serious and prolonged. There were adults who didn't behave well at all (including psychologists and and high school counselors), and that's why we haven't dared to see a psychologist again. That, of course, happened before we developed DID. We had the typical experiences: I was hit, ostracized, and humiliated, not only at school but also on the street. The more they did it, the more people joined in, and some adults tried to help me, but in the end, they didn't achieve anything. Other adults blamed me. Often, for defend myself from the beatings, I was also punished with the same people who had hit me in the afternoons... We felt completely alone and helpless in the face of this situation, which is why we ended up developing this.
We've always been afraid to ask for help again. Every adult in my life has made me feel (whether they meant to or not) like I was the problem or part of it... So I've learned to keep quiet, endure, and live the best I can. But it seems my body can't take it anymore, and it's taking its toll on me.
I posted this message because I had some really bad thoughts the other night... and I needed to talk this over with someone other than my friend (my alter ego's wife).
Thank you so much for the advice... but I still don't see myself able to go to a psychologist.
@Hermanos Hello! It's nice to meet you both! :) With DID there are core requirements. There has to be 2 or more distinct alters (parts) and amnesia or gaps in memory between parts. There is usually a lack of awareness of and between other parts.
@mytwistedsoul Hello, thank you so much for the information. I don't know exactly where I fit in. I know it was very confusing at first, but we've gotten along and have a good relationship. It's not amnesia I suffer after he takes control; it's more like I disappear and come back the next day. Then I can remember what he did or felt as if I were dreaming it.
También puedo hablar con él de vez en cuando. Otras veces, la música, los recuerdos, las películas y otras cosas me lo traen de vuelta, y es casi como si pensara como él. Es un poco confuso, pero ya me he acostumbrado por completo. Empezó a los quince años y ahora tengo treinta y cinco. Siento de verdad que existimos. Creo en el alma, y es como si cada uno de nosotros fuera una persona completa, no solo una personalidad. Me da mucho miedo ir al psicólogo y que eso me haga perderlo o desaparecer...
I'll check out the forum you mentioned. Thanks so much for the help.
@mytwistedsoul
Sorry, this is the part of the message that was in Spanish. I'm from Spain and I have to use the translator.
*I can also talk to him from time to time. Other times, music, memories, movies, and other things bring him back to me, and it's almost as if I think like him. It's a little confusing, but I've completely gotten used to it. It started when I was fifteen, and now I'm thirty-five. I truly feel like we exist. I believe in the soul, and it's as if each of us is a complete person, not just a personality. I'm really afraid of going to a psychologist and losing him or disappearing...
@Hermanos You're welcome. :) It can be confusing and it's definitely okay to not know where anything might fit. Many often do a lot of their own research because it can be hard to find a good therapist that's trauma informed. And unfortunately, some therapists haven't learned much about dissociative disorders.
You both seem to have a really good relationship with each other. It sounds like you both may have integrated? If you're sharing memories and feelings with each other like that. I can understand the fear of losing him or that you may disappear. A good therapist shouldn't push for fusion. That would have to be a decision you and he make together.
Hi there! I have been diagnosed with DID also, and I am the host of all of us. We would love to talk to you about the experience of did if you would like you! It’s kinda cool meeting another person w did in the wild!