What To Do When Life's Simply Not Worth Living?

TW: I'll discuss thoughts of ending my life, but I am not actively seeking it rn.

It's gonna be a long piece, so thank you whoever has the time and patience to read it.

Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT titled her autobiography: 'Building a Life Worth Living'. I did follow through the manual once with my therapist and then we had sessions afterwards, but she left for another country and finding a therapist well versed in PD has proven to be nearly impossible for me (long story about a small European country, not having money to afford private and bureaucracy).

Anyhow... All my life with the exception of three years has just been suffering. I was bullied since kindergarten and only in 11th grade after the 3rd time changing schools it stopped leaving me this massive trauma. I was happy during my BA studies at another town but couldn't stay there due to running out of student loan and moving back home meant I lost the community I had there, the only time and place I had had one. Moving back with the parents proved intolerable, I started to sink into depression, so my ex bought an apartment and we moved there. Living together with the ex proved to be even worse, and several months later I was first diagnosed with MDD and I have been depressed ever since (it was 8 years ago). After a year of actually living together we broke up and I moved back to my parents because I had nowhere else to go, I wasn't working due to the depression. I have been living here since. Before the COVID I had a job (but didn't earn enough to afford a rent) and then went to master's studies but the isolation of the COVID being already a lonely person it just killed my mental health (because I need socialisation in my life), and I spent 7 weeks in hospital due to being so sui*idal. There I got diagnosed with the mixed type personality disorder. Due to, what I know, my intense emotions, but I am not exactly borderline either, have some other PD traits too.

Anyhow something broke in already broken me and hasn't really healed to even the pre-corona state. I am ashamed of my personality disorder (never, EVER read Peter Tyrer's 'Taming the Beast Within', this book is horrible if you have PD despite of claiming to shred the stereotypes of PD). I am single and lonely. I can't be myself living with the parents. I can't tolerate stress at all and this means no working. I can't get the therapy I need. I can't motivate myself to use my DBT skills because I can't motivate myself to do anything that isn't directly related to another person like a therapist, but this expands to so many other things. I feel like my life is never going to get better. I can't do dating sites (what do I write there? Hello, I'm Lee, I have a personality disorder and I'm unemployed, 32, overweight, still living with the parents, yeah right) and no other way to find a partner these days, my self-esteem is horribly low (if you already didn't get that) and I do go to some therapy group here and have creative therapy and just started with a new therapist whose background is in family therapy - but all this isn't really helping.

I don't have anyone to talk to freely, I am constantly afraid friends will abandon me if I show my darkness too much (and it's like 90% of my life) because it has happened more than once. Just taking meds isn't enough. I don't even know who I am anymore. Things I used to care about don't interest me anymore (silly me, once dreamed of a career in politics), there is literally nothing I really enjoy doing these days and initiating anything new is just too much. I desperately need to be emotionally close to someone but can't find any person like that.

They say you have to work hard bla bla to succeed but since I have no motivation to do anything I feel like I am just to blame and my life won't change and I get the occasional thoughts of sui*ide but mostly it's just hopelessness and directionlessness.

I don't even know what I'm asking, maybe a Listener but one promised to be there for me and just disappeared (I hope they're okay though) and I don't trust random listeners because they're not versed in PDs.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.