Poem + editing :) š„š«ļø
Not the final version ā Iām revising in the comments!
The words burn in my throat
Rising like smoke with a fierce resolve
They arenāt mine
Sounds left falling, ashen and hot
Searing
Nearly blotting out the Sun in this Pompeiian sky
Things I never meant to say leave streaks of crimson on the hands of those Iāve burnt
Fire needs fuel to spread
Living sacrifices become the monsters behind the flames
Unable to escape, not because they canāt, but because the blaze has convinced them that they held the match
Stephen King (I believe) did this thing where he would take all the adjectives out and add them back sparingly, and it helped the descriptions have meaning and depth, and not just be frilly words tacked on for the sake of showing off your vocab
Ā Iām also gonna remove all the extra/double describing phrases I used, not just one word adjectives!
The words burn in my throat
Rising like smoke with a fierce resolve
They arenāt mine
Sounds left falling, ashen and hot
Searing
Nearly blotting out the Sun in this Pompeiian sky
Things I never meant to say leave streaks of crimson on the hands of those Iāve burnt
Fire needs fuel to spread
Living sacrifices become the monsters behind the flames
Unable to escape, not because they canāt, but because the blaze has convinced them that they held the match
Ā So now (with some extra editing for continuity) itās
The words burn in my throat
Rising like smoke
They arenāt mine
Sounds left falling,
Nearly blotting out the Sun
Things I never meant to say leave streaksĀ on the hands of those Iāve burnt
Fire needs fuel to spread
Sacrifices become the monsters behind the flames
Unable to escape, not because they canāt, but because the blaze has convinced them that they held the match
I do think it sounds less forced. I like that. I think Iāll add some back later.Ā
Adding punctuation bc eeeee
The words burn in my throat,
Rising like smoke.
They arenāt mine.
Sounds left falling,
Nearly blotting out the Sun.
Things I never meant to say leave streaksĀ on the hands of those Iāve burnt.
Fire needs fuel to spread (. Or , ?)
SacrificesĀ become the monsters behind the flames,
Unable to escape, not because they canāt, but because the blaze has convinced them that they held the match. (Run-on, fix it later)
Fixing from last version
The words burn in my throat,
Rising like smoke.
They arenāt mine.
Sounds left falling,
Nearly blotting out the Sun.
Things I never meant to say leave streaksĀ on the hands of those Iāve burnt.
Fire needs fuel to spread.
SacrificesĀ become the monsters behind the flames;
Unable to escape, not because they canāt.
The blaze has convinced them that they held the match.Ā
I want the sentence to get shorter at the end, to make it punchier and better concluded. I like the content thatās there, but itās presented poorly.Ā
