Beautiful..

In my scratched and bruised hands

Filled with teeth and nail marks

The living vein of life looks beautiful 

How lovingly i can pierce it to break away from my nightmares 

A shining sharp knife or cutter

Maybe the pencil or pen will also work fine

But i want to develop it into a piece of art

So something sparkly should be instead

How beautiful is time now or maybe it could be a after few mins

I don't want to dull my emotions 

I don't want the red to fade away

Until it's fresh and lively I want to crush the veins and want to see the blood red

I will hum my favourite song while I put it on right place 

This time, I don't want to be wrong

I don't want to dream of next

I don't want to dream a beauty other than this

While my tears are still dropping and i am smiling looking at my bruised hands 

On my neck and on my eyes, in my heart deeply sometimes 

People are sitting here and neither i am blind but why do i feel so out of and seprate from the livings 

Oh i was again thinking. Ah the bruises are stinging 

My tears are already half dried and no one cares no one believes it

I will burst out then to see how carefree the world is

I will then think that the world will be safe tomorrow or today

No one will miss me..ha.. and no one will tear.

Will their be bruises in their heart?

Like i have all over my body, mind and soul 

Alas! Again with chattering I forgot 

That it's now perfect time to start

I can see the red-green veins in my skin

I never thought it would be so lovely 

Should I ask on web where do we exactly cut the wound?

No...the beauty is to discover on my own

Hahaha.... why I am laughing? Wait i am not 

I don't want to think anything 

I don't want to have a single thought of regret 

My emotions are well baked up now, and my eyes are swelling with sweetness 

I don't want to remember them neither that

I don't want to remember my dreams my perfect memories i don't want to know ifs and would

I just want beauty I want peace. 

But sometimes my tears fell on its own... and i cry i don't want to di_e. I want to be happy I want to be living 

Why i am so mean to me? Why i am finding reasons. But i can't find 

I am too tired of those lies and real reasons, i can't find

Why people are mean, didn't they saw me growing up? Can't they see my injuries why are they furious? 

My tears are worthless. So why gave birth to me?

If u held my hands when I was born, why are you making it shiver in pain now?

My vision is blurred now. My future too.

Only I want a beautiful sight to remember after i become part of you...

De_ath.

How lovingly you are sitting there, waiting for me?

No one believed me as you did. Neither they cared so lovingly 

You must have some intentions. But i don't care anymore now.

Just give me a hug even if it's priced 

I don't want to eat. I am sorry food. 

God is so mean. Is he devil?

Then who is god? Where's she?

My neck hurts, the bruised area stings. 

Leave it. Let's take a breath and stop crying. 

Haha I yap alot. My nerve is etching to be torn apart now. 

May i have the pleasure to take your life?

There's a sharp spoon. I guess I should put it to use. 

I should stretch my hands and smiling warmly i should take that spoon. 

TAKE IT. PICK IT UP. KIL_L YOURSELF. 

I am scared . Terrible. There's must be a way

I only hear such thoughts and type with my hands. 

But i want to see beauty. That's my last desire.

That's my last destination 

I never changed. I never progressed. 

But i am happy i will be happy at my last day. 

Why i am crying still i don't know?

There's still a lot to see. There's lot to smile for. Lots of beautiful i am going to miss. How bad

I am feeling happy. The spoon is on my hands 

I want to te_ar it. Pier_ce it. Torn it apart. I have high k_illing intent. 

Ah it's not that sharp.

I will go fetch the knife and my mother headache will be going to end soon..

How proud i am too make her happy and free of headaches. 

Free of bother. Free of garbage. 

No one is going to believe me yet. They will take my credit away. 

But after I d_ie I won't longer cry for them..

I don't want to back down. I will be declared a laughing stock. 

Never a fighter but a only tag of loser and mocks.

A straight line I create on my hand before piercing it. 

To mark it beautifully for perfection.

Dea_th is beautiful, it's satisfying as those words rang in my heart and mind. 

A drop of blood oozes out WAHHH IT'S BEAUTIFUL 

and....

Then pain ...

It's painful and stingy.

There's numbness and shrill pain alternately 

It's flowing out like tsunami.

How beautiful. 

How surreal. 

That was my dream

How satisfying and peaceful.

I am happy now 

Beautiful..