10 Possible Signs of Unhealed Attachment Trauma

"Childhood trauma, while a broad term, usually relates to trauma experienced in the formative years while someone lives with their family of origin. Not all trauma is the result of abuse or neglect, although these are the things most commonly reported by survivors as being the things that stick with them into adulthood and impact relationships and self-esteem. Many clinicians call these attachment trauma wounds, as they occur as a result of the actions- or inactions- of the child's caregivers during the developmental years, which are the years when attachments are formed.

1. People-pleasing behaviors. Children who had to fight hard to get the attention of their caregivers learned that making them happy would therefore make their life easier. They learned from an early age how to engage in people pleasing to avoid the emotional pain of having someone dislike or be upset with them.

2. Perfectionism. This is especially common in children who are survivors of emotional neglect. In my practice, I find that this happens for one of two reasons: the first children who learned that doing things perfectly- such as dance recitals or sports games- is the best way to get the limited attention that mom or dad had. The second most common reason I see this is due to children who had to take care of themselves who learned that making a mistake is unacceptable since they never learned how to cope with the feelings that come from not doing something perfectly.

3. Constantly comparing yourself to others. Sometimes this is due to low self-esteem or self-worth. If you were compared against others in childhood, such as other siblings or peers, you might have learned that you did not measure up somehow.

4. Avoiding relationships or getting close to people. This is often due to fear of getting close to others, which comes from fear of getting hurt. If you were hurt or abandoned in childhood, it is natural to want to avoid that- even if this decision is not a conscious decision.

5. Jumping from relationship to relationship. Just like those who avoid relationships to avoid emotional pain, those who jump from one relationship to another are often trying to fill the void that was left from their attachment wounds. It is almost as if you can somehow prove to yourself that you are truly loveable and worthy by being in a relationship.

6. Too rigid or too loose boundaries. Having too loose of boundaries, such as letting people walk all over you, is a sign that you learned that it is acceptable to be treated this way. Likewise, those who have too rigid boundaries might be trying to protect themselves.

7. Trying to fix others. If you grew up with a caregiver who struggled with mental illness or substance use, you might carry this need to help and heal others into your adult relationships. Your inner child is saying, "if I couldn't have fixed mom/dad, then maybe I can fix my partner."

8. Disordered eating. There is a strong connection between childhood traumas and disordered eating. Many of my clients with Binge Eating Disorder have traumatic pasts, and eating helps to soothe intrusive thoughts and inner pains. Likewise, restriction of food and calories is linked with low self-worth and childhood trauma. In a recent study, "when confronting stress, some children went for a favorite snack, while others lost their appetite."

9. Self-medicating with substances /substance misuse. We know that there is a link between substance misuse or addiction and trauma. People who experience emotional or physical pain are often looking for ways to numb these feelings, sometimes leading to substance misuse.

10. Feelings of depression, anxiety, or anger that do not go away. Occasionally feeling these things is normal and could be situational- especially if you are dealing with a lot of stress at work or around the holiday season, for example. However, if you feel that they are not going away, they could be from unresolved inner trauma wounds. Seeking further support can help deal with these feelings."

Read the complete article available at Psychology Today!

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