4 Challenges for Siblings When a Parent Falls Ill or Dies (Trigger warning)

The last months and eventual death of a parent are a time especially fraught with danger for strained sibling relationships. During this deeply emotional period, brothers and sisters vie one last time for power, love, and family loyalty, often resurrecting dysfunctional patterns of relating.

Difficult conflicts may arise over many questions, including who makes health‐care decisions for an elderly parent, how to pay for long‐term care, and who inherits precious family possessions. Old fights reignite as these issues bring estranged siblings back into close contact. Suddenly — perhaps after years of separation — they must interact effectively to make tough decisions.

Caregiving

Caring for parents as they decline is a relentless, painful vigil, frequently triggering unprecedented strain and stress. Typically, one child is the primary caregiver and feels unsupported by other siblings. Worse, siblings may be unable to agree on how to care for an ailing parent.

Financial matters and wills

A rift may occur as parents lose their ability to manage finances and select one child to handle their accounts. One woman says she’s heartbroken because her sister and her beloved nieces, with whom she enjoyed a close relationship for decades, now want nothing to do with her. The reason for the cutoff: Her dad asked her, the eldest child, to take over his financial matters. As another survey respondent comments resentfully, “Now there is a new CEO in the family.”

Inheritance and possessions

Resentment between the two had built up over years, she says, but during this argument, the bitterness escalated into enraged name-calling. The fight became so vicious that Jenson’s brother called the police on her. In the end, she says, she would have forfeited the silver gladly, just to repair the mess. But now there’s no going back. Jenson says the loss of her dad, her brother, and her niece — all in one afternoon — has nearly broken her.

Family Glue

Often, the family falls apart after the person who held it together dies. Eugenie Stanley, 61, an African-American teacher in New York City, was blindsided by her only sister’s decision to terminate their relationship after their mother died:

Mom was the glue in the family. After her death, my sister disowned me. I haven’t seen her in five years. She took my niece and nephew with her. The cousins all sided with her, and they disowned me too.

Estrangement is one of the cruelest forms of power and control. The one who is doing the estranging is trying to control the relationship because they know how desperately you want it. They’re saying, “I’ll let you know when I’m willing to speak to you.” It hurts like hell.

Read the full available article on Psychology Today

Reflection: Would you like to add something other than these 4 challenges that arise for siblings when a parent dies or falls ill?

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