4 Ways to Break Away From Abusive Parents

"It often takes years and many attempts before we finally free ourselves from our abusive, undermining, and bullying parents. Our instinctive response to traumatic events is to try to understand them. We want to know how and why something so dreadful and unthinkable has occurred. Ironically, our mind uses this defense mechanism–referred to in psychoanalysis as repetition compulsion–to shield ourselves from more harm.

Repetition compulsion is a result of our unconscious resistance to grieving. s children, to preserve our sanity and survive, we naturally try to find excuses for our parents and justify any maltreatment. Even though this tactic is no longer effective in our adult lives, we still act similarly. Therefore, we keep trying and knocking on the wrong doors until we are so damaged and wounded that we are paralyzed in life, refusing to acknowledge the most significant anguish and suffering–that our parents cannot love us as we deserve.

Regrettably, a repetition compulsion is rarely effective in helping people recover from trauma. It frequently makes matters worse. If our parents cannot show us the love we deserve, our continuous attempts simply serve to harm us further.

Becoming Free From Repetition Compulsion

Clearly Seeing Their Limits

If possible, give up on hoping your parents can meet your emotional needs. This does not mean you must distance yourself from them or never see them again, but you should probably stop looking to them for empathy, company, consolation, and unconditional love.

Redefining What Breaking Free Means

We can learn to reinterpret what setting boundaries mean. It is a more mature form of love rather than desertion or betrayal. Their insecurities cause them to be envious of their own children, dreading their children’s success and attractiveness, seeking to control how they live their lives, and projecting their anxieties and concerns onto them. Although they try, they are unable to control their destructive behaviours. Therefore, it is up to us to take the initiative as long as we can set boundaries and say no.

Using your body’s memories to defend yourself against repetition compulsion.

You might need to use your body’s memories to help yourself. Allow the pain of interacting with your parents to be felt rather than pushing it away, denying it, or rationalizing it. Then, pause when you feel compelled to reach out to your parents. Rather than continuing the cycle, take a moment to breathe, halt, and find a substitute behavior (such as calling a friend, having a hot shower, meditating, or occupying oneself with a book or video game).

Keep your inner child nourished.

It is not your adult self that drives you into repetition compulsion, but your inner child. It is your inner child that wants to turn to your parents. They desperately wanted to please their parents so they would not be incapacitated. If possible, in your mind’s eye, gently hold your inner child’s hand and remind them that the people who are supposed to love them are unfortunately unable to do so. But fear not, for the adult you are here now to take their place, and you are infinitely more loving, stable, and consistent than your biological parents will ever be."

Read the complete article available at Psychology Today!

Reflection:

What are your thoughts on the article? Are there any other ways you would suggest?

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