How to Handle a Partner Who Expects Perfection

"Many people have been in a relationship they perceived as involving a significant amount of “work"—working to look their best, act their best, or be their best. But even if this perception involved partner-focused goals, such as maintaining the home and having dinner ready on time, in some cases, this type of pressure is generated by self-imposed standards, not partner expectations. Research reveals how recognizing the difference predicts romantic relational success.

Why a “Perfect” Partner Isn’t

No one is perfect. Yet that expectation, whether from ourselves or our partners, can sabotage relational success. Mariacarolina Vacca et al. (2022) examined this issue, studying when perfectionism predicts singlehood.[i] They define perfectionism as “the tendency to set excessively high standards for performance combined with overly critical self-evaluations,” and recognize that people high in perfectionism experience social challenges that hinder the development of stable, supportive relationships, including romantic relationships.

“It's Not You, It’s Me": Expecting Perfection

Anyone wondering how to handle a partner who expects them to be perfect should first consider whether that expectation is actually coming from a partner, or from themselves. Vacca et al. examined this distinction. They defined partner-oriented perfectionism (POP) as the tendency to hold exaggerated expectations of a partner, such as expecting perfect compliance when requested to do something. They distinguish this type of perfectionism from what they term partner-prescribed perfectionism (PPP), which reflects perceived expectations of a partner, such as believing a partner “readily accepts that I can make mistakes too." They recognize a third category of self-oriented perfectionism (SOP), which involves striving for unrealistic self-standards.

Improving Romance Through Re-Examining Relational Expectations

Apparently, for people who are in a relationship in which they feel the pressure to be perfect, the first question involves attribution. Yet whether self- or partner-imposed, the relational remedy involves a healthy mix of introspection and discussion about expectations. Relationships that involve too much perfectionistic pressure are exhausting and unsustainable. Embracing imperfection, both from yourself and your partner, is a realistic way to enhance relational quality."

*Too much pressure from any aspect in life isn't healthy. We can have too much pressure from work, school, ourselves, family, or our partner. It's important to understand if that pressure is coming from us or someone else though. If we struggle with perfectionism ourselves, sometimes we can unknowingly project it onto others and we need to be careful with this. We can push it onto our partners without meaning to. When we are under the pressure of perfectionism, it's important to step back and evaluate what is really going on. Do you struggle with perfectionism? What do you do to help relax when you are feeling the pressure from it?*

#Perfectionism #Relationships

Please find the full article at Psychology Today.