Insider: Coercive control - How to spot an emotionally abusive relationship

“When trauma therapist Amelia Kelley works with couples and one partner comes in with a laundry list of complaints about the other, it's her first sign that their dynamic could include coercive control, a psychological and emotional abuse tactic.

Coercive control is a type of non-physical abuse used to make a target feel unsure of their own reality so they become dependent on their abuser. Tactics may include gaslighting, name-calling, withholding money or access to medical care, and threats of violence.

If someone verbally abuses their partner during couples counseling or says "We didn't agree to discuss that here," when their partner brings up an issue, these are obvious signs of coercive control. When a coercive control victim comes to a session alone, they might say they don't know what they're doing wrong in their relationship but feel desperate to fix it. After talking for a while it might turn out that they're being told on a consistent basis that they're not good enough. You discover there's been a gradual ramp-up of power and control in the relationship.

When a therapist has enough information to suggest one of their clients is a perpetrator of coercive control, they stop the therapeutic relationship. That's because individual or couples therapy with an abuser can give them ideas about how to further emotionally and psychologically manipulate their target. The National Domestic Violence Hotline also cautions people against attending couples therapy if they know their partner is abusive.

When the therapist is aware of a coercive control victim's situation they help them find physical safety. After securing physical safety, they focus on discussing a victim's personal interests, goals, likes, and dislikes to help them reconnect with their sense of self. They also explain that they can relearn boundary-setting in relationships and that it's not their fault for being in an abusive situation where they were unable to uphold their boundaries.“

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