One Person Cannot Make Another Change
"Each of us has someone or several someones whom we would like to change. We may really like or love them to pieces, but there are some habits or traits we wish were otherwise. Sometimes the changes are relatively minor. We’d love it if they broke some annoying habits such as putting away an almost empty milk carton, being late to everything, or finishing our sentences for us. In other cases, we want to make deeper or more fundamental changes to who they are. We want to change what American philosopher and psychologist William James (1842-1910) identified as their “habitual center of personal energy.” That can never be changed by another.
Habitual Center of Personal Energy
Consider a professional athlete in pursuit of a championship. Relationships, education, and social involvement, for example, are all secondary to that one goal. Their habitual center of personal energy is that goal and all that needs to be done to meet it. People or commitments that hinder that pursuit are often dropped. Reaching that goal may make that center burn more brightly. People who do reach it may set a higher but related goal or may see the result as inevitable and proof that they are exactly who they believe themselves to be. Not reaching that goal on their own timetable may provide incentive for redoubling their efforts and commitments. Others may not fare so well. When a person’s life has had such a singular focus but the goal remains unmet, an existential crisis may follow. Who is a person when their center is lost? Athletes who are injured in their prime face this question and will need to figure out ways to live its answer.
Consider another case of people who begin to struggle with addictive substances and behaviors. Alcohol, drugs, and certain behaviors are at the center of a person’s life in the worst throes of addiction. Relationships have been ruined, careers trashed, opportunities lost, and dreams shattered. No one sets out to become an addict, but over time, the need or want of substances and behaviors suffocates other parts of a person. What is left as a center of personal energy is a combination of self-recrimination, loathing, and grief.
In the cases of the athlete and the addict, the usual tactics of pleading, cajoling, shaming, and manipulating are not effective methods to change another’s habitual center of personal energy.
One person cannot make another person change no matter how hard we try. Our efforts may have the opposite effect of what we intend. The motivation must be the person’s own."
*I wanted to share this article because I know that we, as humans, have the desire to try and take control of others' actions to make sure they are the best that they can be. Despite trying our best, we can't change the habits of someone else. That person has to be ready to make whatever change is being talked about. I wanted to share this message to provide some support for people who may be dealing with a loved one that they wish they could change. Please understand that you are doing the best you can, but none of it is your fault. You can't control their actions, but deep down you care about them and that's what matters ❤️. They know that you care about them and that's what makes you amazing! Do you think that we can change others? Share your thoughts below!*
#Change #Motivation #Independence
Please find the full article at Psychology Today!
@fruityPond7887
Thank you for sharing this article! This article really hit a sensitive spot (in a good way <3). When I was younger and more inexperienced with romantical relationships I always tried to change my guy to fit my standards, which ended up feeling like I was "forcing him" with no progress happening. I read a lot of articles online and watched videos where I realized "I can't change him if he doesn't want to, it needs to come from him". I learned this the hard way, and now in my current relationship, I can point out habits I don't like in my partner but I know the change has to come from whitin himself, if there is ever going to be a true change happening.
So to answer your question, Personally, I think we can be supportive and an inspiration for change, but the person has to feel it inside themselves to do a real change that will last. But then yet again, I might be biased from my own experiences.
@professionalVision2624 Yeah I've been there ❤️ I think we always want our partner to change to fit our exact standards, but we have to remember that life isn't "Build-a-Partner" 😂 I think a lot of people are with you on that though, I know I am!! There will always be things we wish to change about people because everyone is different and that's okay! Constructive criticism on both sides is important to be the best we can be, but we have to want it for ourselves ultimately!❤️
@fruityPond7887 This needs to be said and heard. It's heartbreaking to deal with certain situations and people but we need to know that changes comes from within a person. If they don't want to change, no amount of encouragement or nagging would work.
@comfortableNight4463 Exactly! It can definitely lead to struggles in relationships and it's hard to learn, but no one will change unless they are ready for it.
@fruityPond7887 Agreed!