New data on in-law conflict confirms well-known facts but raises new questions.

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An evolutionary perspective explains our "irrationality"

“A recent study [1] looks at very common but often misunderstood problems with in-laws from an evolutionary perspective. The new research supports my own data [2] on in-law conflict showing that tensions between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law are the most common, though the newer research also finds that in-law complaints (from both daughter-in-law and son-in-law) are more likely to be directed towards the mother-in-law than the father-in-law. The researchers conclude that the underlying explanation for these problems may well be genetic. This does not mean that they have identified genes for in-law conflict. What they mean is that it is the genetic bond between parent and child that generates a disposition for parents to prioritise their own kin in the allocation of resources, such as money or care, over their in-laws. When in-laws expect what counts as "family fairness," they are often disappointed. This research was presented in the popular press as showing that in-law tensions are “all in the genes.”

Two key concepts can improve in-law relationships

Setting aside some problematic details with the evolutionary explanation in the new research — for example, the study shows that fathers get on better with their daughters-in-law than with their daughters — there is also a downside to the conclusion that "it's in the genes." This seems to be one of those explanations that ends the story. Why look further into the problematic relationship if there is a genetic explanation? Why hope to use such understanding to moderate conflict if it is “all in the genes?” In my work on family dynamics, I also show that the investment parents have in a child creates complications between in-laws. The psychology of parental investment has undoubtedly emerged from the genetic imperative to put one’s children first, but this knowledge is not helpful. However, two key concepts do help with in-law conflict: love and respect. Only in understanding the power of our need for love and respect can improve in-law relationships

Another notable absence in any genetic explanation (acknowledged by the researchers themselves) is family culture. Each family has its own set of rules that members generally follow. More often than not, the rules disappear into the background and emerge simply as measures of what is "normal" and what is "right." It is likely that family culture has much to do with disagreements over money and care, as well as love and respect. If we are to understand in law conflict in ways that improve affinal relationships, we need to understand how people themselves respond to specific interactions between them. When we keep our focus on that, we can improve in-law relationships, even though some of the conflicts may indeed arise from our selfish genes.”

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Reflection: Do you believe in-law conflicts can be best explained by applying a family cultural perspective or an evolutionary perspective? Share your thoughts!

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