The costs and consequences of multi-generational estrangement.

“A revealing story of how estrangement ripples through generations comes from Marjorie Watson, 64, of Bangor, Maine.

To her regret, Marjorie has little contact with several family members, while her husband hasn’t spoken to his sister and brother‐in‐law in more than 16 years. In some families where estrangement has occurred, the number of cutoffs seems to multiply exponentially. Long‐standing estrangements may become an acceptable model, replicated by generation after generation. In these families, when stressful situations arise, siblings may easily cut each other off, having seen their parents do just that with their own brothers or sisters.

The need to belong

The distinguished psychologist Abraham Maslow identified the crucial need to belong in his “Hierarchy of Needs,” a meticulously defined pyramid ranking fundamental human requirements. The need to belong—whether through family, friendship, shared interests, or sexual intimacy—places just after the body’s basics: food and water, shelter and sleep, and physical safety. And, like these fundamentals, the human need to belong is lifelong.

Without a sense of belonging—this feeling of emotional safety and context—people come to fear that their very lives are at risk. Their ability to trust others dwindles; they become consumed by the challenge of surviving alone.The family—that original constellation of relationships—is the primary, natural place of belonging; it provides the opportunity to develop deep, lifelong connections transcending the transient nature of human existence. Exclusion can cause pain that cuts deeper and lasts longer than a physical injury, according to psychologist Kipling D. Williams of Purdue University, who is known for his studies of ostracism.

When someone is shunned—even by a stranger, even only briefly—Williams found that he or she experiences a strong, harmful reaction, activating the same area of the brain that registers physical pain. The difference is that social injuries linger: In studying more than 5,000 people, Williams used a computer game to reveal how just two or three minutes of ostracism can produce ongoing negative feelings.

“Our studies indicate that the initial reaction to ostracism is pain,” he explains, “which is similarly felt by all individuals regardless of personality or social/situational factors. Ostracism then instigates actions aimed at recovering thwarted needs of belonging, self‐esteem, control, and meaningful existence.”

Multi-generational cutoffs and consequences

The deep divisions of estrangement may produce serious family complications. Siblings who aren’t speaking can’t discuss important issues: What kind of care does our ailing father need? Should we move Mom out of the family home? Is it time to sell the family business?

As estrangement ripples through the family, important historical and health‐related information spanning generations may be lost. No one may know, for example, that a great‐grandparent suffered an illness now plaguing a descendant—or how the condition was successfully treated.

Clearly, when estrangement echoes through generations, adults and children don’t only lose family members who might play an important role in their lives. They also suffer the lingering pain and consequences of ostracism and isolation.

Read the full article here!

Reflection: Do you think there are effective solutions in how families, moving forward, can prevent long-term estrangement from being replicated in family generations to come?

#Estrangement #Families #Generations #Echo #Belonging