Psychology Today: How to Cope When People Let You Down

"Human beings seem to be constantly pursuing two independent but related paths of development. One is our own personal development, in which we focus on how we understand and define ourselves, and grow as an independent person. For example, we may define ourselves based on how we like to take care of our health and well-being, our line of work, or our hobbies and interests. Another way is how we relate to others—the types of relationships we want to have. These may include our relationships with family, friends, colleagues, romantic partners, and communities to which we feel connected.

We feel at our best when these two lines of development are optimized and in sync. We feel that the people with whom we are connected really understand us as individuals and support our life’s vision and goals. It is during these times that we often feel joy, fulfillment, security, and a sense that we are thriving. Some people describe this experience as feeling whole.

Perhaps this is why it can feel so jarring and disruptive when the people in our lives let us down or disappoint us. And we may experience harmful and even traumatizing experiences if the people we love and trust are unfaithful, abusive, or otherwise mistreat us.

If we are frequently let down by others harmful ways, our sense of feeling whole can give way to something different—feeling broken. Not only do we feel that there is a breakdown in the connection we have with someone else, but we also begin to question the very foundation of our self-concept. We may stop feeling so sure of ourselves and the notion that we have everything “figured out.”

In those moments, the stakes feel high. If we are threatened with a binary choice of feeling broken or whole, it feels like an “us” or “them” decision. Do we protect our sense of who we are and what we want in our lives at all costs and disconnect from the person who has let us down?

We could convince ourselves that we are overreacting, or “missing” what’s really going on. Or, maybe we simply decide we don’t have the strength, will, or path forward to deal with the disappointment. The consequence of this choice can be devastating, as we suppress and avoid our true feelings to stay “whole.” In essence, we sacrifice ourselves to be connected to others.

So, what do we do when someone lets us down?

When we feel let down by others, instead of dismissing ourselves as irrational or overreacting, it is critical that we listen to our feelings and honor them as being relevant and important.

Part of our feeling whole is learning from our feelings about what has occurred in our relationship. We can identify the discrepancy between what we had hoped for and how a particular disappointment may challenge how we think about a given relationship. Further, we can assess the damage that this letdown has done to our sense of ourselves as an individual. Has it shaken our sense of who we are and how we feel about ourselves?

Next, once we accept that our feelings are not an indication that we are broken and are able to understand our pain, we are in a position to figure out how to cope with the situation at hand. The first thing we should consider is whether we need to create a boundary to avoid further pain and suffering.

Once we have established safety, we can decide whether there is a benefit to trying to repair the relationship. In this case, we may want to be assertive with someone as to how we have been let down, the effect it has had on us, and what we would need from them in order to repair the relationship.

Finally, when someone has let us down, as we consider how to understand, cope with, and potentially repair the letdown, we must also consider the damage that this letdown has done to us as an individual. This may include giving us time to engage in healing, such as meditation, taking time off for vacation, or seeking medical or psychological help, if needed. Taking care of ourselves during difficult times reaffirms our commitment to feeling whole.

We must also examine the ways in which this event may have caused us to question ourselves as individuals. After a letdown, it can be responsible and constructive to examine what may have gone wrong and how we can avoid similar letdowns in the future.

So, remember, when we are let down by others, it is not a sign that we are broken, but a sign that we are in the ongoing process of being whole.

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#Relationships #Communication #Disappointment #Coping #MentalHealth