Psychology Today: What Do We Do to Help Others Feel Better?
We do more, listen more, and empathize more for close friends than others.
“People regulate each other's emotions all the time, every day. We all try to influence the emotions of the people around us. When you regulate someone else's emotions, it happens in four steps:
Identifying the need to regulate. Before you do anything, you would have to decide whether it is worth making an attempt to change someone else's emotions. Are they upset? Will the negative feeling last long? Will an attempt to help be successful (or could it backfire)? If the answers are yes, yes, and yes, you might decide to intervene and try to influence the other person's emotions.
Selecting which strategies to use. You could try a few different things to help the other person. You could try to distract them from the events that are causing their emotions (distraction). You could make a joke or do something silly to make them laugh (humor). You could listen sympathetically while they vent about their problems (social sharing). You could try to convince them to see things in a new way that is less distressing (reappraisal). You could even try to fix the source of their worry by solving the problem (direct action).
Implement your specific regulation tactics. Once you decide what to do, you need to put it into action. For example, you'd make a particular joke, in a particular tone of voice, at a particular time.
Evaluate whether it is working. Once you've made your attempt at regulation, you need to monitor how it is being received and decide when to stop or when to switch strategies to something more effective.
Emotion regulation can misfire at any one of these steps. You could fail to see that a friend is upset (a mistake in identifying the need to regulate). You could try to directly solve the problem when what the friend really wants is for you to listen to them talk (a mistake in selecting a strategy). You could make a joke that they don't find funny or even find offensive (a mistake in implementation). Finally, you could fail to switch to a different tactic when your attempt at humor has been well-received (a mistake in stopping/switching).
This month, new research from Victoria Tanna and myself at The University of Sydney shows that what people do in the first three steps depends on how close they feel to the other person. In her study, Tanna asked 266 people what they would do to help a person feeling angry or anxious in three different situations. Half the people were asked what they would do if the person was their closest friend. The other half were asked what they would do if the person was someone they didn't know very well. An example situation was, "A person you do not know very well mentions they are feeling anxious about all the changes and possible consequences of the COVID-19 pandemic."
Tanna compared how people responded when they were asked about their closest friend compared to someone they did not know very well. There were four key differences:
People were more likely to make a regulation attempt for their closest friend. That is, they were more likely to identify the need to regulate.
People were more likely to use a strategy of receptive listening for their closest friend. That is, they were more likely to select the strategy of social sharing.
People were more likely to evaluate that their attempt was successful for their closest friend. That is, they had higher regulation self-efficacy for the implementation tactics.
People felt more empathy for the other person for their closest friend. That is, they both knew more and cared more about how the other person was feeling.
This research shows that we do not treat everyone the same when it comes to extrinsic emotion regulation (attempts to influence others' emotions). What people do to help others feel better depends on who the others are. When we make an attempt to regulate someone else's emotions, we make much more effort for those we are close to. This may be a key mental health benefit of having close friends. There is someone who will make an effort to empathize with you, cheer you up, and listen to you express your emotions.
Read full article here!
Reflection: What strategy/strategies do you most often use to cheer up a close friend? (Distraction, humor, social sharing, reappraisal, and/or direct action) Why?
My personal note: I often use distraction, social sharing, and reappraisal, because I find that venting and perspective are important
#EmotionalRegulation #Strategies #Tactic #FeelBetter
Thank you @professionalVision2624 for this llamazing post!!! I loved it 💛
@LlamaLizz
I'm so happy that you loved it! Thank you for your comment!
@professionalVision2624 I definitely like to ask my friend if they prefer me to just allow them to vent or if they want advice, I'll give it to them! I like to think that each person is different, but usually my go-to's are humor and social sharing. I think that being able to have the similar experience shared with someone allows them to realize that they are not alone!
@fruityPond7887
Thank you for your comment! That sounds like a great strategy! And it’s true that each person is different and will need different things in a time of need and it can also be very beneficial, like you say, to have a simular experience as someone else as it does help them to realize that they are not alone! It’s also good that you have strategies that you default to and most likely your friends appreciate those two strategies since they both lighten the mood and puts emphasis on what they need (Vent or advice)
@professionalVision2624 Having experience with the issue that they are having is definitely helpful, but I don't always have that unfortunately 😞 When I don't, I just try to listen and reflect back to them what they have said to me to make sure I understand and that they know I am listening! 7 Cups taught me well 😉
@fruityPond7887
I agree that experience can really be helpful in understanding what someone is going through but if we don’t have it, it’s often really good to just lisen and reflect back their thoughts and emotions which shows that you listen! Sometimes not having experience with the exact issue they are struggling with can provide a safe place and a bias-free moment for you to reflect and show them that you are listening!
@professionalVision2624 That's a really great perspective to have with not having gone through a certain experience! It's important sometimes to have that non-bias perspective!
@fruityPond7887
Thank you! Yeah I think it's an important perspective to keep in mind, that it can be both a big benefit but can also be a negative factor if we let our own feelings/expereince regarding the same issue as we are helping someone with, cloud and overshadow our response to their unique reactions/feelings and thoughts.
@professionalVision2624 Whenever my friends are down, I always ask them if they're up for a chat. If they say yes, I call them and we talk about random things for like an hour and we both feel better after.
@comfortableNight4463
Thank you for your comment! That sounds really good that you are mindful and ask them if they want to talk. Since it opens up a conversation for both of you to vent and that you can talk about random things that lighten up the mood. Sometimes just a “casual” call can really make a difference in someone’s mood.
@professionalVision2624 I agree! It's great for everyone involved. We all get a safe, judgement-free space to vent and share our emotions. I'm very thankful for it!
@comfortableNight4463
As you say, it’s really important that everyone can get a safe and judgemental-free space to vent and share their emotions. It’s especially important if said person is lacking a secure support system.
@professionalVision2624 depends on the friend you know
somethings work better on some people and not so much on others
@zealousGrace5023
That's so true! It's really important to be able to tailor the chosen technique to fit the friend that needs help! Thank you for commenting!
@professionalVision2624 yup!