Steps for Self-Forgiveness
Forgiveness is like walking on hallowed ground. The act of forgiving involves three virtues: justice, clemency, and mercy.
Forgiveness is hard. Self-forgiveness is even harder. This is because when we forgive others for their wrongdoings, we transcend the hurt and pain by "taking the moral high ground." The ‘forgiven’ bask in the ‘virtues’ of the ‘forgiver’. This is why self-forgiveness is so complex.
Self-Forgiveness Can Begin With These Four Practices
1. Recognize and name the value that is out of alignment: We feel guilt because we have done something outside of our values. If you value your health and wellness and you have missed physical activities and eating nutritious food all week, you may feel guilty. Call it what it is. ‘I am a healthy person, and my behaviour is out of alignment.
2. Be explicit about the behaviour and the consequences: This is a challenge since there are such conflicting definitions of wrongdoing yet knowing how this behaviour and the consequences relate is critical. Say you lied to your friend, and this hurt their feelings. If you are interested in relationship repair with that friend, you need to be explicit about what you did and hold space for the consequences. Once you have taken action, then we release it.
3. Embrace the discomfort: When we have dropped the ball, hurt someone we love, or disappointed someone, the discomfort is brutal. Ask yourself if this is an ego issue? Our ego is a fickle friend. When things are good, our ego seems like a constant companion, yet when we make mistakes, it is the first to point out our faults. The remedy to tame the ego is to recognize it and hold that feeling.
4. Mistakes are events, not characteristics: When we are in the darkness of guilt, there is a tendency to think we are the mistake. My invitation here is to reframe this narrative. You are a person who made a mistake, you are NOT the mistake.
Working Towards for Self-Forgiveness
See it: Notice what you are feeling. ‘I notice I feel guilty about this.'
Name it: Call it what it is. ‘This is guilt.’
Place it: Where is it coming from? ‘I am feeling guilty because I behaved outside of my values. This is not who I am. This is not me at my best.’
Release it: Action It Out. ‘I forgive myself for making this choice. I will call my friend today and express an apology. I will sit with the discomfort. I will learn from this.’
Source; https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/everyday-resilience/202203/steps-self-forgiveness
Reflection;
Self-forgiveness is complex and this article touches upon a technique that might help you. We all make mistakes, but instead of blaming ourselves, we should work to take accountability and better ourselves.
How is your ability to self-forgive?
#SelfForgiveness #Guilt #EmotionalRegulation
@comfortableNight4463
I love this article! Sometimes I feel like I am too harsh with myself because it takes a lot to self-forgive when I see that I did not act in a way that would result in better consequences. For example, I would feel guilty for not passing an exam and I would keep on having thoughts that I should have studied more, and it is my fault. I do this even when I know that I did my best and I was already exhausted from studying so much. I think that recognizing and naming the value that is out of alignment is very helpful, but sometimes this step can also be difficult. In my example of not passing the exam, I cannot frame it in terms of values.
@globalBraid3744
How is your ability to self-forgive?
This a great question and one that has applied to my life many times over the years. I would say that certainly my ability to forgive myself has improved. It did take therapy for me to get there, though. And I feel like I will almost always be a work in progress on this.
@sereneSunset26 I agree. Self-forgiveness is a journey and I'm glad that you are actively working on improving yours! Best of luck!
@globalBraid3744 I understand this feeling completely. My need for academic validation was so toxic that I would punish myself for not getting a certain grade. I've been able to shake this off thankfully. But the disappointment still lingers. I hope this article helps!
@comfortableNight4463
As someone who's super critical on myself I think it's crucial that I practice and learn the ability to self-forgive. Often times my guilt can get overwhelming and cause me a lot of stress because of it which feeds into a toxic cycle of finding more failures that I can't forgive myself for in the past.
@sunnyWriting4806 I used to struggle with this a lot too. The most important thing is to allow yourself to feel the disappointment and then find ways to move on from it instead of being stuck and filled with self-loathing thoughts.
