What Really Feels Better, Forgiveness or Revenge?
Research participants who imagined taking revenge against the colleague remained in a dehumanized state (e.g., rating themselves as feeling less refined, emotional, and intelligent, and more superficial, cold, and animalistic) relative to those who imagined no offense occurring. On the other hand, participants who imagined forgiving the colleague felt just as human as those who imagined no offense occurring.
This suggests that forgiveness is a transformative process that involves releasing negativity toward the. It is considered a moral response rooted in the virtues of mercy and generosity. Because of its prosocial nature, it is treated as morally superior to a strict adherence to justice.
The research also highlights other benefits of forgiveness, such as:
- Feeling a stronger sense of belonging to a human community.
- Indicating that their morality was more central to who they are.
- Experiencing a lower propensity toward bad self-treatment.
For people who have decided to forgive their transgressor but don’t know where to start, it is suggested reflecting on the following questions:
- Do you feel you have an accurate understanding of the transgressor’s actions and what caused them to do what they did (and if not, perhaps a conversation with them could be helpful)?
- Have you been on the receiving end of compassion and forgiveness after hurting someone? How did that feel?
- Is your relationship with this person worth investing in? If so, the value that relationship holds in your life might be something to focus on. If not, you might instead focus on how it might benefit you to release anger and resentment toward someone.
What I have learned from the article
- People who are treated poorly by others can lose their humanity as a result of being treated poorly by others.
- People who can forgive a transgressor, rather than seek revenge, are more likely to feel their humanity restored.
- Forgiveness does not mean freeing the offender from accountability or excusing him or her from responsibility.
Read the complete article here
💬 What do you think about the findings of this study? Do you have any personal experiences you would like to share?
#Forgiveness #Revenge
@globalBraid3744 I think what you said is really important because I feel as though a lot of people think that forgiveness frees someone of what they did, which isn't true. In fact, I think forgiveness helps the person who is doing the forgiving to feel better and more at peace with themselves. I had to forgive a family member for an accident that resulted in my dog passing. It was purely accidental, but it still was the worst pain I've ever been through but I couldn't not forgive her because she's still my family and didn't mean it maliciously.
@fruityPond7887
I am sorry to hear about the accident. I have also lost my dog we had for 10 years in an accident and I clearly remember how much pain it caused. I also feel that forgiveness is more for the person themselves as it might help them get closure to move on with their life. However, I believe that not only acknowledgment, and intention to forgive are important but I think it also requires time. Pain can get less only with time and we need to go through it when something like this happens.
@globalBraid3744 I'm sorry to hear about yours too! I may need to reach out at some point to you because I've never had someone experience a similar situation! I definitely agree that forgiveness takes time and we just need to go through the healing process before we can decide any next steps to take.
@globalBraid3744 Do you feel you have
an accurate understanding of the transgressor’s actions and what caused them to
do what they did (and if not, perhaps a conversation with them could be
helpful)?
In all honesty, forgiveness is a struggle. While I have a pretty good understanding of why they did what they did there is still many feelings of hurt, anger and unfairness. Unfortunately, a conversation is impossible as this person walked away and is no longer a part of our lives. This has caused upset on many different levels.
Have you been on the
receiving end of compassion and forgiveness after hurting someone? How did that
feel? Supposedly, but I'm not quite sure that I believe it. It feels untrue.
Is your relationship
with this person worth investing in? If so, the value that relationship holds
in your life might be something to focus on. If not, you might instead focus on
how it might benefit you to release anger and resentment toward someone. The relationship was deeply valued but is no more. They made the decision that the relationship was of no benefit to them and they cut ties. I am at a loss as how to release the anger and resentment towards this person. This has been a struggle for over a year now.
@mytwistedsoul
I agree with you! It is so tough to put yourself in the ´shoes´ of the perpetrator and I even feel like sometimes why the person did it is not even important. It is very upsetting when you feel injustice and the person just walks away. It can evoke so many feelings inside and make us question everything, especially when this person was important to us. I think the purpose of forgiveness is to enable us to move on but there are many ways that can help us to move on and this is only one of them. I am sorry to hear you have also been struggling with how to release the resentment and anger. What helps me to process emotions like this is writing out everything I feel and want to tell to the other person, or do, etc.
@globalBraid3744 Thank you for your reply - I have written letters and then wrote even more letters to this person - trying to release all of this but Idk - it just doesn't release it's hold - maybe on my part it's more hurt then anger or resentment - I struggle with naming emotions so bad lol
@mytwistedsoul
twisted, im having a horrible day, in the thick of it and I hope you wont feel like ive latching on to your answer but if is any consolation do know having this back-and-forth is alleviating a lot!
"While I have a pretty good understanding of why they did what they did there is still many feelings of hurt, anger and unfairness."
- I had an understanding of what happened (in my world, today) it was a water cooler moment and they needed to pick on someone and of course, Im always picked. yes, I understand..and I agree understanding did not help.
I know everyone needs to let the stress go and gossiping, just like smoking (those are her only two ways, by the way) are her methods. But it does not make me the recipient, feel any differently.
"Unfortunately, a conversation is impossible as this person walked away and is no longer a part of our lives. This has caused upset on many different levels" - im so sorry to hear that.
I am also sorry to then further read on about the pain caused...really feel for that injury, Soul..
@serenekite52 I'm sorry to hear you had a bad day and I hope that today is a better day for you :) It is good to kick idea and thoughts around with people - I used to be better at it but lately - I am so unsure of everything I think and feel anymore
I understand that they feel they needed to just walk away - if it helped them. I try to remind myself that they did what they needed to do for themselves and that's good right? They did get to have their say but it made things worse for me *sorry it's a long and winding story lol* but I was denied a chance to say anything - Idk - this probably doesn't make much sense
Thank you for your reply :)
@mytwistedsoul
Hey sweetie/Soul, thanks for taking the time!
You'll find your footing again and "kick ideas and thoughts around people" in no time👌💪
dont let this period get you down..
your story is only long-and-winding because you put so much heart into it...never apologize for being such a kind person, Soul
and no no, you totally made sense! one: you mentioned they had their say but two: you didn get a chance to say anything..thats totally why we are on this forum about Forgiveness..because in this case there is a huge need for forgiveness to be extended to them..
and it's very cliché to say "its not easy to forgive" but I genuinely hope you find peace, and some pathway out of this
ps- my day got way better, thank you! ...and I hope you have a grreat week too!
@globalBraid3744
I think often people say you must forgive the other person since "it's always the high ground, being the better person", but I think there are many situations when forgiving that person can be extremely difficult and impossible for that person to do. It's important to understand that although personally seeking revenge and violence against a perpetrator can be a more extreme option, having the conscience of not being required to forgive the other person can help some people deal with the situation a lot better.
@sunnyWriting4806
This is an interesting point! When I was reading this article I was thinking the same - that some things might be unforgivable. It all depends on the situation I believe. Concepts like forgiveness are difficult to define. For me, not forgiving someone causes me more distress by going back to the situation in my mind over and over again and ruminating on it. I think there is nothing that would be always beneficial to all people. As you said, some people might deal with it without hearing from everyone around to just forgive. However, I also feel the is a huge difference between not forgiving and seeking revenge. I have heard of lots of stories when the revenge went too far. For example, if the other person is hurt too badly and then the person who just wanted to get justice will live with that for the rest of their life. To me, it seems terrible, like I am ´becoming´ the same as the person who did the injustice/assault first. I feel a person has always the choice (even when it seems there is none). However, this is just my personal feeling and everyone has it differently. What are your thoughts on that?
@globalBraid3744
Yea definitely! I totally agree and at the end of the day, there's always different ways of handling things that works for some people and not others. I think it's definitely a case by case basis.
@globalBraid3744
Braid, you said "have you been on the receiving end of compassion and forgiveness after hurting someone?"
Im sorry I am very clumsy sometimes but when you say "after hurting someone" I have never done that, in my entire life because Life is tough enough, even just juggling, and managing.
Ive never given even 1 second of my life to thinking of "hurting" someone but yes, I am clumsy, so I might have accidentally said some stuff, or mixed up presents/parcels?? but all good, easily restored.
@serenekite52
What I meant by hurting someone is that unconsciously we might do/say something that other person views as hurtful. Of course, most people do not hurt others by purpose. Sometimes only by telling an impersonal story, we might open old wounds of the other person, etc. I am very happy that something like this never happened to you!
@globalBraid3744
oh Braid...thank you so much and today's really stressful. in those few minutes I went offline I had the phonecall and he actually apologized. They were wanting to fill up a moment at work and decided it was alright to target on someone and attack them. I was their choice because "they were bored" and yes maybe it's not the most ideal but in this case...if I can be candid, it made releasing my day a lot easier because the buckled and gave the deserved apology. I know your points...very, very well made too, dear Braid...and I agree
we must all heal even if we are not given apologies. but sometimes...even WITH apologies it does not remove the initial impact. it only starts the healing...well, in my case it started the healing...
and sorry im so muddled today. it's very difficult to live painlessly and im doing everything I can. it's not easy...but im so grateful to pen these here...so sorry im as clear as mud!
@serenekite52
Thank you for sharing all those thoughts! I hope your day will get better. I definitely agree that the apology does not remove the initial impact immediately. I am glad that it did, however, start the healing process. Because it is a process, it requires time, but you will get through! It is very courageous of you to keep on going with the pain you feel and I am proud to hear you are doing your best. I would also recommend reading this article (Leaving Pain Behind). It is very interesting, and it has good points to think about.
@globalBraid3744
oh Braid hon, you made my day!
sorry if im making this thread out to become like my personal therapy, HAHA
but youre so nice, your fault
(KIDDING😉)
totally needing time for Healing process to complete its whole course..
oh Braid, thank you for championing my circumstances, I really feel so much better already
(have bookmarked Leaving Pain Behind to take a look) - thanks again!! have a great new week ahead!