These notes are based on the discussion hosted by @Minionator and @sunshineNrainbows on August 22 2015, at 11.30AM EDT on the topic Reaching out for help, in the Community Room.

While I didn't participate in the discussion, I did, however, lurk around and have studied the transcript well!

Hosted by: @Minionator and @sunshineNrainbows
Outlined by: @Anushka1

REACHING OUT FOR HELP

Sometimes, reaching out and taking someone's hand is the beginning of a journey.

At other times, it is allowing another to take yours. ~ Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration.

At some point or the other in our lives, weve all reached out for help and ended up being satisfied or disappointed. This discussion will be focusing on how often weve all reached out for help, how it made us feel, etc. Hope you like it.

Discussion questions:

What types of things might people reach out for help for?

We usually reach out for help in order to release our pent up emotions that could be overwhelming and share our thoughts with the other person. The thoughts could range from anything like relationship/family problems, depression, trauma, suicidal thoughts to school-work or even going overseas. Sometimes, we also reach out to feel accepted or learn a new skill - just to seek help, no matter what form its in.

One of the really good analogies by one of the members here was,

People sometimes can't reach out because the remote is on the other side of the room, so you actually have to get up and grab it.

② Who do people typically reach out for help from? What is it about these people that makes others want to reach out to them?

People typically reach out to help because they usually need someone who listens and they want to feel a bit less useless about themselves. We tend to reach out to people who arent judgmental or harsh, and someone who would relate. Some people like to reach out to strangers more, because its easier, but then again, its a lot easier online, as compared to real life (hence, 7cups!). It was thought that reaching out to strangers is easier here because they can be talked to without caring, without thinking of the outcome too much. Another good trait about people who are easy to reach out to, is that they are open about their flaws, and seem more approachable.

③ I know Ive struggled to ask for help in the past. For you personally, what is it that prevents you, or makes it hard to ask for help?

Sometimes, we dont reach out to people because we dont want to trouble them or want them to worry about us, or it might make it awkward in future. On the other hand, sometimes we also feel that the other person could abuse the knowledge (since we dont trust them enough) or that they would be judgmental. Another important thing is that we feel some other people care about our problems because they feel that their problems are worse.

④ What is it that helps you personally to reach out for help?

Usually, one thing that makes people compelled to reach out, is the fact that they cant cope anymore and are at their breaking point or theyre too overwhelmed. Another reason is that people want to feel better and help others in the end, and in turn prove that theyre not useless.

⑤ In certain situations is it better to reach out to a certain person than others, or does anybody do?

There are two viewpoints on this:

Some people think that there are certain people who will make it better because they are a lot more trusted than the others, or someone whos really rational. Some moods can also decide whether you want to reach out to someone particular because when youre moody, you dont know whether anyone or everyone would be willing to listen to you.

The others, however, feel that anyone who is willing to help and is helpful is a good bet, and sometimes after they help us, we do end up trusting them.

In general, people also think that its easy to reach out to strangers because they can have a third persons point of view, without any biases based on how long theyve known you.

One really worthwhile point that Id like to put word to word from the discussion is: Everyone will help, just not the way you think you are. Sometimes hearing something horrible from others is a hidden lesson to get better.

⑤ What are the signs that someone is reaching out for help too often? Why does this happen?

One general idea is, can you actually reach out for help too often? But yes, people usually try to reach out for help too often, because they are either pampered or maybe self-entitled. However, it could also be that they unhealthily need the reassurance of others to be happy about themselves, that they actually wish for the answer that they want in their minds or maybe the traumatic thing they are reaching out for has frozen their intuitions.. Another thing (in a more positive light) could also be that they trust you more than the others, and hence try to talk to you more and reach out more often. However, this could be burdening since youre led to feel that you are meant to solve all their problems.

⑦ In such situations what do you do?

Generally, people had a difficulty answering this question, because it is a really hard situation to be in. You could perhaps apologetically tell them that you cant help them and introduce them to therapy, getting the help that they need. You could also help the other person build confidence in themselves, leading them to solve their own problems.

Another good way is to try identify the reason that the other person is reaching out too much, and help them accordingly, to the best of our abilities. Sometimes, its good to offer a distraction, redirecting the conversation to positive aspects of their life. One really good thing that comes out of this question is a response to the phrase I would love to help them the best I can, and it is:

It's (wanting to help others) a nice idea, but sometimes it is too much for a listener to handle, which is an important thing to recognize, rather than forcing yourself to idle through a problem you're not equipped to help with.

⑧ Have you ever asked for help and been rejected?

A lot of people havent ever been rejected, (which is awesome!) but some people have receive the regular I dont think/I cant help you statements when they reached out. Some people though, like to help others instead of reaching out for help for the fear of rejection.

⑨ How did you feel/how did you respond?

A general reaction is to not reach out to them again, and/or feel down (cry) about it, which is really common, in case of any sort of rejection. However, a more positive way to look at it, was to reflect on it, and ask better framed question the next time, and turn to another person. Also, sometimes you just need someone to talk at rather than talk with, so no external input is needed. Another good quote:

A problem shared, is a problem halved.

⑩ Have you ever asked for help and been truly helped? How did you feel/how did you respond?

When people were truly helped, they were appreciative and felt a lot better about themselves. They also felt relieved that it was okay to be sad/worried, and it wasnt insignificant. However, some people also felt that they owed too much to the other people and hence cut all the contact with them.

11. To close this off, I would like to ask you: Who do you feel you have helped most in your life?

A lot of people in this life have helped each other, including family members (brother, mother, father), friends, strangers with their random act of kindness or even the person themselves who need help :)

This was an absolutely amazing discussion guys, and it was such a pleasure to go through the transcript. I had a lot of fun reading it out and I hope you guys like the notes too. A big thank you, to @Minionator and @sunshineNrainbows for hosting this amazing discussion and for everyone who participated. :)

Tagging the participants: @charmingUnicorn97 @TabbyPhoenix @toughsailboat3720 @sociableOwl378 @Schmaylor @Lovey @darkcosmos @BLTmaster @QuickJazz @quietFig3949 @nimnim @adorablepeace96 @ViralInfection @Nick726 @purrr
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(Listeners - If this was the first discussion you attended, please do nominate yourself for the "Aristotle" badge! You can do so by going to the My impact tab and applying for the new badge :)