Self-Harm Recovery Daily Check-In: Friday May 29, 2020
Hello everyone! People often think that they need to have a lot of accomplishments or awards in order to be worth something. This is not true. As the comic above says, who you describes how valuable you are. Spoiler alert, you are all incredibly valuable <3
Check-In Questions
How are you feeling?
What is one thing going well for you?
What is one thing not going well?
You have your own late-night talk show, who do you invite as your first guest?
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How are you feeling?
negative irritable
What is one thing going well for you?
Im alive I guess. Got to put that bar low.
What is one thing not going well?
Most stuff.
You have your own late-night talk show, who do you invite as your first guest?
Ian McCallum and Karl Kasarda
Hello @Flornhope
It sounds like you aren't having a good day :( I know today might be bad, but I'm sure there will be good days in your future :)
Thank you for checking-in, stay safe!
@SnailPurple Thank you. It's my normal so I'll be file. If I weren't safe I wouldn't have made it this far. y
Long post ahead.
1. Not well. Last night I felt alright while speaking to my therapist. I think I have a transference issue, I think I'm wanting a deep friendship and yet I want solitude. On the bright side, our sessions have been productive. She suggested I do a brain dump instead of compartmentalize and next session we're doing a guided visualization. I know I have these tools and yet I have to be told to use them or else I forget :/
2. I think I have a plan that will work for me to heal from my ED and taking care of my body/mind. I'm getting a little better at not giving into comparisons and competition to be the worst. I realized it's common but common doesn't mean okay or healthy. My need to have people concerned about me or to take extreme control of my own life comes from the lack of emotional bond I had with my parents, and it's strongest when I'm missing something. My other ways of self harm stem from that too. I didn't know how to communicate without fear of being shamed or called an attention seeker, both of which happened from my own parents. I've been doing a lot of research to make sure I can meet all of my needs. Might try some yoga. I found some free resources on calm's website (calm, the meditation app). I don't have the app but I plan to use some workbooks they have for free download. And it seems my internship is getting finalized right now. It'll be good for keeping me busy each day.
3. I took a nap earlier which means I'm oversleeping (too much at night when I finally do fall asleep + napping during the day). I feel better with less sleep, around 6 hours. Can't seem to stay awake. I'm dehydrated, hormonal, mindlessly binge watching shows & surfing the internet everyday which add to the fatigue. I think my brain might actually be in overload so I feel "boredom" which is just overwhelm. The fog in my head is so thick and when I do get clarity, it's a full flashback or a stressful memory.
4. Hm... Troian Bellisario.
Thanks for the check-in
Hello @Lexloveslife
I'm sorry you aren't doing well. It sounds like the combination of oversleeping and being dehydrated is really taking a toll on your mental health. I'm glad you have been having productive therapy sessions! I know it might seem scary to open up about your self-harm, but your therapist should understand and not judge. You can always talk to a listener as well <3 Remember, we are here for you :) I hope your plan works. Recovering from an ED can be really tough, so I'm proud of you for persisting :) Even if this plan does not work, please don't forget that you are so incredibly strong and will find a plan that works <3
Thank you for checking-in, stay safe!
@SnailPurple
Thanks. It's been a rough night, realizing that literally no one loves me anymore. I've made people hate me because I sense they're going to reject me anyway. But deep down, I think if I can be fine with myself and not need anyone to love me other than me, that is key. It is just a matter of how to get there and what real, unconditional, long-lasting love looks like. One day I will overcome this popularity contest that society pushes. Humanity is pain so I want to rise above that somehow, connect with the earth, with the universe. There's something more to existence than battling toxic people & thoughts and going to therapy.
@Lexloveslife
So well written. Amazing you have this mindset of the only person who will love you most is you. Now it's time to make the steps to achieving that warmth, acceptance of self, and just able to move forward and do great things. It will come naturally. Everyday do something small to show your love for self. Have gratitude journal, take breaks to just sit out on your front porch or wherever and watch the clouds, the birds... I'm trying to find my inner peace too
@Lexloveslife
Self-love may take time and patience to achieve, but it can be done. I'm proud of you for starting that journey :) I know it may be hard to believe, but there are people in your life who love and there are people out in the world who will love you :)
My personal relationships didn't go too well. I blocked my true self from others. My true self just seems to be broken. I've tried explaining myself and it all makes no sense. I explained it to a friend, and I start with unclear stuttering of me not able to move past my failures, for example not hitting goal of cleaning my room, and then I hear how she's like girl, I've been patient with you and cheerleading you on to clean, I'm not sure how much longer I can just listen to you say it but not do it. Anyways I keep making excuses that I'm depressed I'm tired. But she just says don't play the victim. Go forward with it. I just really want to cry because I don't know if I'm just a failure for letting things getting me down. I don't know how to get strong. Anyway I just ended the conversation with yeah, I can do it this week. I can. But I know I was lying, and I just felt I lost a support system. All people are like this, very kind hearted and I'm just here not moving forward. So I shut myself from them for awhile. How do people understand with themselves that it's okay to not be ok. I just think it's not ok and I'm less than because of this mindset of wanting to sleep all day.
Always appreciate the cartoons with check ins. I don't know my values. I'm such a mess that doesn't seem to evolve and grow. Nothing makes me unique.