Self-Harm Recovery Daily Check-In: Monday, November 16th, 2020

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1) How are you doing?

Not the best. Having a really bad last 2 weeks to the point that I am now around 80 hours behind on my master degree work with a lot of coursework to catch up on. So I am a little bit stessed.

2) What is going well and not-so-well for you?

At the moment it feels like nothing much is going well for me,everything is not so good.... so yh

3) Do you feel supportive towards your own self?

No

4) Do you think encouraging and supporting your own self more could be helpful?

I think I am at the stage that even if I try to it feels like I am being fake to myself. Honestly I am just trying to get out of this depressive episode but nothing seems to be working.

@LinearWaves

1) How are you doing?

I'm doing well, just bummed that it rained all day here, so I didn't get to go for a run

2) What is going well and not-so-well for you?

My relationship with my roommates is good

So I didn't get to go for a run

A good/bad: burned some veggies when making dinner, but it wasn't noticeable in the end

3) Do you feel supportive towards your own self?

I think so, I fairly ok now not doing everything perfectly

4) Do you think encouraging and supporting your own self more could be helpful?

Yes, cause often other people don't know what you're going through, so in those cases you're the only person who can be supportive

1) How are you doing?

HI! Doing mighty fine, thanks. Hopefully the same for you and anyone reading this?

2) What is going well and not-so-well for you?

Well, Waves let me tell you, I tried a form of sleep deprivation therapy (not the actual term) for my depression. Basically, I stayed up all night on Saturday into Sunday and I feel great. I did sleep last night off and on, and the good feeling I have is still there. Just an urge to talk to everyone and no one lol I have therapy tomorrow and that tends to not go well since I clam up and don't say anything, but I really do like my therapist. I think she's a great person and probably a great friend/partner when she is not on duty.

I just can't talk to her I think because it seems we're so close in age (I could be so wrong about this lol) and I don't know how to explain stuff without feeling like I'm whining about my life. It certainly doesn't help that she's pretty and I absolutely stumble around anyone even remotely attractive, so like everyone hahaha. When she smiles I blush so hard. Same with my friends though, I blush a lot and I think I might have a crush on one of my friends or maybe it's my desperate 22 year old hormones raging idk. Anyway despite being black, I am privileged in a lot of ways and I think whenever I talk to someone, that is always negatively in the back of my mind.. like "oh they're judging you because you don't have it as bad". Even my therapist because... well, she's human too. For now though all is well. Perhaps some coffee will be in order tomorrow

3) Do you feel supportive towards your own self?

Hm that changes for me. Sometimes I really want to support myself which means supporting my health, my financial situation, my college/career path, my relationships. Other times I don't feel deserving of any of it. Lately I think I've been supporting myself, not as well as I could be but I feel pretty good without that stuff

4) Do you think encouraging and supporting your own self more could be helpful?

Sure. I prefer to just treat life as an existence, without needing to encourage myself or support myself. Like whatever happens, happens. And this is something I know for my own life because my anxiety & depression kick in whether I'm supporting / encouraging positivity, acceptance, etc. for myself. I really love it when people are kind to themselves and love themselves. It brings out a confidence - faked or genuine - that I think is so attractive to an extent of course. One of my friends for example is all about self-care, love, acceptance, bettering yourself. And I think if I followed in her footsteps while still doing my own thing, I'd feel as confident as I feel today 70% of the time. Faked or not. Then of course there are times when I have to really treat myself like a child and cater to that part of me who is still trying to grow up without shutting down the creativity that comes from there. So when I have an idea and think "that's so stupid", I basically act like a parent scolding an older sibling for calling their little sibling stupid. I can't allow judgement, self-bullying. I got enough of that from my parents. From former friends and classmates. From strangers on the internet. We're born into a world of judgment and that can be hard enough. No need to judge myself either. There's a natural high that comes from feeling good about yourself and doing things to please yourself, whatever context you want to take that in. I say love yourself in whatever way you can however much you can. Even if it's just a lil teeny bit. Maybe you like a painting in your room, one that you chose. Maybe you like your hair, your eyes, your smile, idk maybe you like your elbows. Anything counts. Embrace it, it's hard but we're all worth it. When life hits rock bottom, only place to go is up. Do what you need to do

Thanks for the check in, Waves and good to see you again!

1) How are you doing?

I'm doing okay today. I didn't like going to school today just to drop something off, but it was quick and painless, and I'm glad it's over. I have a lunch with a friend scheduled, and I'm really glad we're going to have time to catch up and talk after not seeing each other for several months.

2) What is going well and not-so-well for you?

I'm learning how to manage my urges to sh, so that's good. I'm a little behind the homework schedule I've come up with, but I've factored in a lot of buffer time in between, so it'll be fine.

3) Do you feel supportive towards your own self?

Not really. I mean, part of me is really supportive nad makes me come and do check ins and talk to people here, but another part of me is still pretty consumed by self-hatred, and constantly points out my flaws and mistakes. I still have a lot to learn, I guess

4) Do you think encouraging and supporting your own self more could be helpful

Yea, I can see why that would be reallyt helpful. I'll try to do that more conscientiously this week and see how it goes

1) How are you doing?

I'm ok.

2) What is going well and not-so-well for you?

I'm going to all of my appointments so that is good. I cant seem to get anything else going

3) Do you feel supportive towards your own self?

No I don't.

4) Do you think encouraging and supporting your own self more could be helpful?

It probably would be if I didn't think I was lying to myself.

@LinearWaves

Hi Linear, I miss you. I can always count on this thread to have active community members.

I've been feeling alone, and I noticed that I'm putting myself there.. trapping myself and all my abilities that no one can see. My counselor calls me brave for continously asking myself what I need to change, etc...

Two weeks ago I started talking to a counselor online, and it was nice the first session, and then throughout the week I left texts and he was like woah woah, we need to set boundaries so that he's not confused since I have alot going on.

I then ask myself, why? Why do people keep pushing away and why can't I calmly accept the boundary? I did accept it...for 3 days...until the next session and then our session just seemed bland. He didn't seem to remember all the issues I had talked about the first time, or just felt it wasn't interesting to discuss. He keeps wanting ME to figure out my path and blablabla. He doesn't like when I say I don't feel like a normal person, and when I say my mission is to find my purpose. He lazily explains why he thinks that's not the right mindset and I don't get it...

I really don't think I can find a better counselor but I don't get if I'm supposed to change the way I am and adapt to be how they want me to be...or what? The way he wants me to be is to pursue interests, and keep trying things out. I said I don't want to and he just says, ok then don't. I'm angry at that response. Keep pushing me! What are you doing? Lol that is a great lead into asking if I support myself...umm I do by setting out affirmations, but I haven't put it into enough practice. I bought an affirmation deck by louise hayes and it was "forgiveness is a gift to myself"...it was sweet but I can't feel that way all the time. All these outside voices from parents telling me to find work and I forgive them for pushing me so hard and comparing me to my sister, and I forgive me for being passive most days...but how long am I going to allow myself to not work? I have to be stronger and go out and find work...