Self-Harm Recovery Daily Check-In: Wednesday, August 19th, 2020
Hey amazing people! Happy Wednesday, congrats on making it through the first half of the week!
Today I wanted to share a (maybe silly) comparison. Recovery sometimes feels to me like fighting into a ring. Im not sure if its martial arts or boxing but whatever!
What I mean with that comparison is that just as in a fight, there are times when we have to keep our guard up and take the blows – endure our thoughts, urges, worries, struggles.
Other times we have to attack – fight our thoughts than can put us down, try out coping mechanisms, work on things.
Sometimes we can take a bad hit, lose a round… – relapses happen, but the match goes on!
We also have to focus on our breathing so as not to exhaust ourselves – self-care is needed!
There are people cheering for us and wanting us to win – our support system!
We get small breaks in between rounds to recover and get ready again, although too often if feels like these breaks are too short – happy times, to enjoy as much as possible!
There are protections we can wear – coping mechanisms, lots of self-love.
And last but not least: we can train and get better over time. Youre all amazing and Im proud of you for the fight youre putting up every single day!
1) How are you doing?
2) How is your week going so far?
3) Like with the comparison to a fight into a ring, what does recovery makes you think about?
Feel free to share anything else in your mind! Ill be looking forward hearing from you all!
Take good care of your amazing selves, stay safe <3
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1) How are you doing?
I am well thanks.
2) How is your week going so far?
Pretty good! It's been hot, but can't complain otherwise.
3) Like with the comparison to a fight into a ring, what does recovery makes you think about?
Recovery is pretty subjective. Everyone experiences it differently, just like with medication and treatment.
@lovelyWhisper66
Hey there ! Its lovely to hear that youre well and that your week has been pretty good, despite the heat!
Recovery definitely is subjective and can mean a lot of different things for everyone. Were all different!
Thanks for sharing, take care!
Thanks for the check-in!
1) I'm ok, a bit tired. Might go back to sleep
2) It's going alright. Bit of a disconnect between others expecting too much (or too little) of me vs. what I know that I'm capable of. I've had positives this week & the negatives are taking the least head space.. they're just what is at the forefront for now. I can & will change that.
3) Pushing a boulder up a mountain - not like Sisyphus doomed forever... just pushing it up the mountain, watching it fall because I hit a snag and lost my grip on it, and then starting again at the bottom. Eventually I'll learn the all mountain's obstacles and get to the top
@Lexloveslife
Hey there Lex! Going back to sleep does sound like a tempting plan, did you manage to get more rest?
It
@LinearWaves
Yeah I took a short nap. I spoke to someone but haven't heard back yet. The others I think I'll just have to deal with and prove I can hold my own. :) you take care as well
@Lexloveslife
I hope it can be the occasion to see you can do more than you thought! Although I hope that it doesn't add more pressure on you or disappointment... No matter what you do, you've got this!
Thanks!
Hey hey :)
1) How are you doing? Tired, my low battery light is flashing x)
2) How is your week going so far? I'd say yucky ! But hey, one day at a time yeah ?
3) Like with the comparison to a fight into a ring, what does recovery makes you think about? I always think of recovery as a ship sailing on the sea. Sometimes the sea is calm, all is well. Sometimes the sea is rough and you have to fight so that you don't sink. I'd explain more but honestly I don't have the energy for it.
@Slizzy564
Hey Slizzy !
Im sorry to hear youre feeling tired, I hope you managed to refill your battery somehow! (Got any external battery? :p)
One day at a time indeed, it might feel a bit long but youll get through the week, I believe in you!
No worries about explaining more! I get the idea and it makes lots of sense! You know the saying though, ‘a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor (although Id agree that we probably couldnt care less about being a skilled sailor…)
Take care and rest well, thanks for checking in!
@LinearWaves
Hey I never thought of an external battery ! Good thinking there ;) Though I did just eat and do feel a bit better :)
Aaaah I don't want to be a skilled sailor either, I want to be that weird pirate sailing the seas looking for the perfect treasure !! :)
@Slizzy564
Just last week seriouslyI googled ‘batteries for brain and well, that wasnt too useful... sooo if you ever find an external battery Im interested! Im glad to hear youre feeling better though!
Eh thats a cool one! Lets hope the treasure map isnt too hard to decipher!
@LinearWaves
Hum I'm looking, I'm looking! I'll keep you updated :)
And I have no map ! Where would be the adventure in that ? ;)
@LinearWaves
Well, I haven't been here in a while, I always feel like i'm crashing a party I wasn't invited to. But, I need to tell someone, I guess.
I... slipped, and I cut today. There weren't very many, just 4 very small ones, and they weren't deep, not at all - there was 0 blood (for the first 3) and I'm kind of embarassed to say, that it gave me MORE anxiety. It's weird, I never thought seeing the blood was an important part of the process to me, but today, when the lines stayed white (they didn't even get red and puffy :/) I almost had a panic attack, and it just made me feel worse. I was so distraught and didn't know what to do.
I tried talking to a Listener about it, but they didn't help. And it's not their fault, a lot of Listeners I get paired with don't know what to say/how to handle self harm (even though I request it). They were perfectly nice and I could tell they were trying their best, it just wasn't what I needed.
I ended up cutting again. Just 1 more. I just needed to see my blood, and get that good/relaxed feeling. I've felt like I've had this crushing weight on my chest for the longest time (since the last time I cut, which was October 2019) and I just wanted to be able to breath again. That's not so bad, is it?
Anyway, that 'high' feeling didn't last long, at all. I think because the cut that DID bleed still didn't end up being very deep, and I still want to cut now. I'm going to try not to, and to text my friend so we can talk, but I just had to admit/face up to what I did to someone who doesn't know me IRL.
I've just been feeling like lately I've been letting everyone down. And yesterday, I couldn't even do little things. I bashed my elbow on a piece of furniture that never moves, I broke a glass, etc. Usually those little things don't faze me, but it's just been a lot more overwhelming since the pandemic started.
I don't know, sorry this is so long, I just had to tell someone. Also sorry if this is too graphic/triggering for anyone else, I'm never sure. If it's needed, you can delete it, I understand.
@GhostGirl2
Hey there ! Im really sorry to hear you relapsed… I can totally relate on the fact that it brought you more anxiety, Im proud of you though that youre keeping yourself accountable with sharing, and also tried reaching out to a listener, even if it didnt help…
I dont know your thoughts about it, but do you think self-harm might just not bring the same feelings as it used to, due to you having grown over time and having started your recovery?
On another note, are there some coping mechanisms that you think could be useful so as to cope with the urges and the feeling that youve been letting people down lately? (we can brainstorm some if needed!)
Also I wanted to say, Im proud of you for staying clean for so long, its amazing, and its also amazing that youre keeping yourself accountable and reaching out, especially as it is a hard one. It might be a relapse but there are still a lot of things to be proud of in there!
Were all heart with you and believe in you, take care!
1) I'm okay... Switching therapists (AGAIN) is hard and I can tell I'm not feeling as well lately since I'm counting the days between therapy but... I don't feel particularly unsafe... so there's that.
2) I'm experimenting with different hair styles which is entartaining me. And exploring make up. Which... honestly just shows how bored I am of summer and how I can't wait to get back to work in September.
3) What does recovery makes you think about?
Lately I've been thinking about recovery as a change of identity. I've struggled with SH for 16 years and have identified both as someone who harms themseles, and as someone engaged and struggling with recovery from SH. But... I've been thinking lately that to truly find a stable recovery, I have to move beyond the "Struggling to recover" into an identity that is just... not engaged with SH either as an active behavior or as something to resist. I have to move beyond any connection to self harm and possibly beyond the identity as "patient" Which.... has been food for thought lately. It's hard to validate a history with self-harm when you are no longer struggling with it. There isn't a dialogue about that point in recovery because if you're that far beyond self harm you aren't... spending your time thinking about it or engaging with any self-harm recover community. Idk. I don't have any answers about that but I'm trying to envision what that might be like for me someday.
@RabbitTangerine
Hey there ! Its nice to hear youre okay ! Although I hear youre feeling a bit concerned about therapy, switching therapist must be tough indeed and I hope that this new therapist can hopefully know you more and more over time, do you think that could happen? Its really a good positive though that youre not feeling particularly unsafe, always good to take!
Oh it sounds really nice that youre experimenting hair styles and make up! Have you found anything that you liked so far? I hope you can keep yourself entertained, thankfully September is almost there!
It sounds indeed that recovery has been giving you a lot to think about lately, and its a great thing, it shows that youve made another step in your recovery and thats amazing to see! I get you though, on long term recovery and finding it hard to validate a history with SH when it has been so long, your history is a valid as any other though, especially on here!
Thanks for sharing, take care!
@LinearWaves
Hey there.
1)How are you doing?
I'm seeking for fun right now. I guess I'll play some games, watch some movies, or anything that will keep me entertained.
2)How is your week going so far?
Good. My plans for the week are going smoothly.
3)Like with the comparison to a fight into a ring, what does recovery makes you think about?
I think recovery is similar to the sport, racing. I'd imagine that there are two competitors: Myself and the corrupted me. Yep, my enemy is myself. And we are competing until the finish line to find out who will take over my consciousness in real life. Sometimes, I win. Sometimes, the other me wins. In the end, recovery is like my choice. It's a bit complicated. Haha.
Thanks for reading. :)
@LovelyOrangeJuice
Heya ! I hope you found something fun to do ! What did you end up doing? :)
Its nice to hear that your plans for the week are going smoothly, thats always appreciated!
Thats a really nice image, its true that the one were competing against is our own self!
Thanks for checking in and sharing, take care!
@LinearWaves
I ended up playing a mobile game called Siege up. It's an offline real-time strategy game where you defend your stronghold, and conquer the enemy kingdom. It's so fun to command armies in a video game. x)
Thanks for the kind words. :)
@LovelyOrangeJuice
That sounds like a fun game!
