Self-Harm Recovery Daily Check In: Wednesday February 13th, 2019

@emsworld

How are you today? Tell us the up downs and everything in between!

I am well .. Just didn't study today . My exams are on the way.

I got back on 7 Cups today . And well.. Right now . Dodging an insect . Its so large and weird.

♥ Is there anything that you are finding difficult today?

Dodging this insect right now.. And focusing on studies

♥ What's something you've done this week that has helped your recovery?

I did draw new boundaries

♥ What's something you've done this week to sabotage your recovery?

Many things.. Don't wanna list them

@emsworld

♥ How are you today? Tell us the up downs and everything in between!

im ok. just had a MRI tomography and my body hurts from the injection and i feel really dizzy. but gladly, they did not find anything so hopefully ill be ok soon.

♥ Is there anything that you are finding difficult today?

well, that im very dizzy

♥ What's something you've done this week that has helped your recovery?

i have not relapsed but reached out for support.

♥ What's something you've done this week to sabotage your recovery?

maybe isolating myself?

@emsworld I'm feeling pretty okay today I had a snow day so I can work on my German notes. I'm upset because I'm not going to be able to do the science fair because I had been sick for a while and I couldn't work on it, it's due tommorow and there is no way I can be ready. I'm super nervous because there is a big history bowl competition Friday and I really want to do well so we can win but I'm not sure. I have a great team but I'm worried that we arent as good as the other teams. I'm hoping to work on my stories today because I haven't been writing lately. I also want to work on the cat bed that I am making. I'm doing pretty well when it comes to sh, last night I wanted to but I procrastinated it and distracted myself and I didn't do it.

Today has been REALLY rough. A friend of mine committed suicide exactly one year ago today and it

@emsworld

*** Big self harm trigger warning *** Also this is another long post (sorry )

today has been not great, my ed thoughts are back and better than ever lol and ive swiched between crying and just feeling numb. Got all of 3 paragraphs done for my collage assignment over the whole damn day which is nothing. i saw a bunch of my friends over the last few days as i am on a break from collage right now and it was cool but i felt really numb and out of it at points last night when i was with them but the feeling didnt last very long when it came on so thats better than usual i guess

Okay BIG trigger warning now!! (Please delete if not allowed !)

i have a quite old blade that i use to cut and cut fairly deep for the first time the othe night. Not super deep or anything serious but it scared the heck out of me for a sec but now part of me feel almost proud??? i read some sotries online about people feeling a sense of achivment when their mental disorders get worse and im wondering if this is that? i dont know its very confusing, on one hand i know its bad and i shoud stop but in my head its almost my way of being like "Hey my problems are real and im in pain too!!".

My freind said something to me the other week as well and i think the anoyance and hurt at it has slowly been building up. She had a bit of a meltdown during one of our classes so we were excused and sat down outside the collage libary for a while so she could calm down. I had told her about my self harm before and how i went to my old school counsler but i hadnt told her that i had relapsed and was feeling really bad again (I cant seem to share my problems with anyone in real life anymore after a really bad few years when i used to tell people). She was saying how bad she felt and i was just comforting her with stuff like "this is tempory" and stuff becuse it was just about some issues at home which were ending in a few days. She then said in quite a mean way, like imagin a small child frowning and sulking/pouting "im so stupid. Look at you, your really clever and always get distinctions in your assignments. And at least you got help for your problems." This really hurt me and hurts even more now, weeks later. i want to get it off my chest to her but my fear of telling people my problems gets in the way so she wouldnt understand if i told her she hurt me. The thing is, the help i got didnt solve anything - i just pretened it did to make myself and my familly feel better. I get distinctions becuse i have panic attacks about not getting full marks and breakdowns most school nights. My problems are worse then ever but know one knows so they assume im fine. she has self diagnosed herself with depression and adhd and has self harmed before (and currently does i think). She makes jokes about depression and suicide and it just anoyyes me becuse im feeling the same way but i dont broadcast it to other people so at least they can be happy! But im agry at stuff that she doesnt know about so how can i be angry at anyone apart from myself?! its like running in circles lol

I know im bitter becuse of my own fears and bad eperiences but this is getting in the way of our friendship now. Can someone give me some things to mabye start a converstation between me and her? I know she would undertsand my problems - she is going through her own stuff which she has talked to me about and has self harmed before. I kown i need to talk to someone and seeing a counslor would make them tell my parents and that was literally the cause of a bomb going off in my familly and friends(metaphorical lol).

This might sound weird but can someone write almost like a script??? or just some pointers?? honestly any advice <3

Also, im not going to see her until monday so should i send her a message over social media or just wait and do it in person at collage?

Thanks <3 Popa :)