Self-Harm Recovery Daily Checkin: Monday January 14th, 2019
Hey everyone! Its now the middle of January- how time flies!
1) How are you? Is there anything youd like to share?
2) Hows your January been so far? How could it be even better?
3) If you were to create a slogan for your life, what would that slogan be?
Take care everyone, and thanks for checking in with us!
Taglist-
@1Disawsum @23Lotus @Accentus @AdamantlyFree @Akor1 @amandaa6360 @anabellamia1189 @anasierra @Antisocial5864 @Aphrodite11 @ArriaAna @asheroo92 @AThingCalledPax @AugustaGeorgia @AuroraBorealis12 @Autismaunt14 @awesumturtlesz @Ayeeitsnotme @babybatman @badoinkitydoop @BandBeed100201 @bear228 @beniba08 @BipolarGrrl @black1995 @Blackk1tten @BlamingParadox @blissedNblessed @Bloom97 @breezy @bribri20 @Brokentopieces356 @bubblzdancr @BunnieLuv @butterflyPessimist @CaringBrit @CaringWater @Catlover456 @caylaig6295 @Centremid @Charly @Charmingbeauty55 @Chels2002 @CinematicEnd @ClassicAnonymous17 @cocoafp191 @compassionaterainbow1479 @CoNfIdEnCe1 @CoolCuke @Dachs @Daenerys03 @delicateWindow53 @DiscreetBeach2458 @discreetowl14 @discreetSkies9236 @Discretegrapes8490 @dispost @Drummermattrocks @dynamicHemlock1736 @easyMap6620 @ElephantTiger1 @elle1508 @energeticApricot2459 @epitium @Erato @EvilRegalsReadToo @FallenStar2 @farahadell @FeathersOfJay @FindingPeaceWithin1 @FloweringBunny @fluffystuff @FranklyMaple @fullm00n @funfettifrosting @Funfettifrostingi @funnybanana4728 @Godsbae @goldenSummer1903 @GoneLikeAnAngel @Greg40 @HannahO11 @HelpfulAid @HeyItsMish @HiddenShadows @Hope2come @humorousBeing8966 @HunHansGirl @IfKpopWasPunk @Imaginativa2930 @imsorryitry @Independenttangerine @IndigoRoses @InspiringLee @intellectualHuman6814 @Itinerarium @Iwannaliveanddream @Jamie14 @Jashboi226 @Jennaray536 @Jennifer164 @juddskittycat @JustThatAlien @KayaBearz @kgyt0918 @Krispykitty12 @Lasagna1 @Leanna @LinearWaves @listenermegs @LycheeBoba @Maddheda @MandaGPanda @marala11 @Marissa1031 @mayaaaaaaa @Maypanic11 @minitigriss @Misfitzombie012 @MissGoodby99 @modestCat9806 @Moosewithducks @naturalWillow84 @neverendingwaves @notanange @NotQuiteBlue @novareckenstein153 @otto123 @pastellexoxo @paytonfaye2003 @Penguin5921 @peoplej1997 @pinkThinker6194 @plushOasis77 @politeHouse5612 @porter2927 @pumpkinpi @QueerChristianTeen @quietman4875 @QuirkyAnne @rainysierra27 @RALC20589 @raspberryMoon5394 @rationalComputer3503 @RAWR3 @ReallyNotOkay @rebecca947 @Redhawk6547 @Reesespeauntbuttercup @rexpeter99 @rlpsgf @Roseutopia @Sadgirlforever @sailorelix @SaintClrStudent @Saskianite @selfconfidenceTangerine1778 @Sewmachine @sewmachine @Silentguitarist @sillyavocado @SimpleMe12 @SisterRaven @Skafa1214 @Skyy0 @soniatel @SpaceyCasey @StrangeClarity @strawberrmilk @Survivor108 @TeresaGreninja91 @Thegirlwithabrokensmile @TherealJake @Tommy38 @Totallovatic @TransWolf @Truth22 @turquoisePine1459 @twentyonepilotsclique @Twitch98 @Twotonnetable @VividDreamer @WhiteWolfIdiot @Winterisnotmyseason @WonderfulHart1330 @Xirin @XwonderlandgirlX @Yovela @Zammn
click here to be added/removed from taglist
@rebecca947 hey, how are you?
I'm, eh. Tired, depressed. Having some urges. I keep looking at my hands for some reason. Contemplating I guess. I dk.
January has been an up and down thing. If I could just level out, find some level of normal. Although I probably wouldn't know normal if it bit me in the butt.
Can't think of any slogan. The one that does come to mind is Nike's Just do it. But that's not particularly inspiring.
@mytwistedsoul
Heya, Soul! Im good, thanks for asking! Just got up. Im sorry to hear that youre not feeling that great :( it can be draining at times. As for the urges, how strong are they currently, and do you know whats causing them or triggering you? And if you do- dont have to answer the questions online if youd rather not- do you have any other helpful distractions or processing techniques to use?
Hmm, do you have any plans or ideas on how to level January out a bit more for yourself? As for the normal, create your own new normal! Or, think about what normal meant to you before all this happened. Write it all down, and figure out ways to get back there. These are just some suggestions in case you feel stuck on where to go next. Dont need to follow them if youd prefer not to ❤️
It can be hard to think of a slogan- Im not sure Ive got mine yet either! Its alright to take some time to think about it if you want. We dont even need a life slogan- I was just interested in hearing others responses :)
Take care of yourself, Soul. Were here for you and we care about you. If you want someone to talk to, theres listeners around. Theres always options. ❤️
@rebecca947 Hey, hope you're still doing good. I'm still hanging in there. I haven't done anything I shouldn't.
I get frustrated, god I get so frustrated, it's almost like theres a dial in my head, it's on seek constantly, trying to find a station. As I move through the day, the channel might come in clearer at some points and fade at others but there's always this background static, an undertone. It's hard to explain. ok...say you dig a hole, just a simple hole 1ft deep, 1ft wide. I mean this is a perfect beautiful hole. The clear channel, says "hey that is an awesome hole!" but as you move away from it, the clear channel fades and the static starts to mumble how you should have did this while digging and that it's really not as perfect or beautiful as you think it is. That it never will be. Instead of a circle, it should have been square And it's all your fault, what were you thinking, digging a hole in the first place. Does that make any sense?
But then the anger comes. Which to be honest feels great at first. It's strong and powerful but the object of that anger isn't there and even if it was well. There would have to be a confrontation. Nobody likes that. But then I get angry at myself because I know what needs to be done but I'm terrified to do it. LIke a child but I'm not a child any more. This IS my life. Mine.. no one else's. I make the rules now.
I know I've met alot of really nice people on here. It's hard sometimes to accept that there are people I can talk to, that care. I'm a little nervous about the listeners. I've seen mixed reviews. Maybe eventually.
Anyway...Thank you for listening. Take care.. Sorry this was so long!
@mytwistedsoul
Ahh, that makes sense. It sounds like theres always negative self-talk happening, and sometimes its more easy to hear than others. Sounds like theres also a lot of You shouldve and You couldve thoughts going around, lots of regrets of the past. It can be really hard to deal with, and I hope youre proud that you havent self-harmed! I sure am proud ❤️
I wonder whats helped you through it, and what could help you with those negative thoughts? They dont have to stay negative all the time, they can be changed. Our thoughts arent ourselves, theyre not facts. ❤️
What makes you terrified to do what you know needs to be done? Yes, it is your life and you make the rules, but sometimes it can be hard to, even then. So many decisions and choices, having to get used to having the options etc. Its understandable!
As for the listeners on here, thats perfectly fine! Take your time- it also might take a while to trust a listener fully, but I hope you can connect with one whenever you feel ready. xx
*TRIGGER WARNING*
@rebecca947 the voice isn't mine though, it's the voice of The Red Queen. abusive childhood. yeah there's alot of could've should've's. I could've left sooner, I should've. I could've smothered her in her sleep, I should've. sorry..I should not have said that! i finally got out and was doing ok, there were states between us.
2 yrs ago she remarried and moved 2 hours away. She know's where I live and stops in unannounced and unwelcome. I have told her she is not wanted here. Threatened her with the cops, she called them instead and had them do a wellness wellfare check because I was threatening her and myself. Yes I did threaten her but with the police, and i made no threat to myself. I have scars, alot. I can be impulsive and i have a heard time talking to people. i get jittery and it can make it look like i'm on drugs or something. They wanted to take me to the hospital.
What's stopped it..for the moment anyway is because she doesn't deserve any more of my blood. she isn't worth it
I want to see about a restraining order or something because I do not want her here. I have no idea how that works. the idea of confronting her and the things that will be brought up. god know's what lies she'll tell. there's her and then there's me...yes that terrifies me
Edited by forum mentor @rebecca947 to add trigger warning. PM if youd like to further discuss this!
@rebecca947 I wanted to apologize, my last post feels like I was being hostile. That wasn't my intention. I was upset about someone else dealing with a similar situation and I should have taken a moment or two to calm down and I didn't. I shouldn't have laid that at your feet. Thank you for taking the time earlier to reply. Again I am sorry
@mytwistedsoul
Hey, apology accepted ❤️ it didnt sound hostile to me at all, but if it did to you, its nice to apologise. Im sorry that youve had a bad start to life even when you were a child, having gone through abuse and abusive and/or manipulative relationships. The thing with couldves and shouldves are that they are talking about the past. Which we cant change now- its already happened. Knowing that can be both freeing and scary, both understandable. But what can we change? The present and the future. Im glad you got to move out and have a long distance apart from what happened earlier. Though Im sad to hear that shes returned :/
Having those thoughts that they dont deserve your blood and emotions sounds like a good step in the right direction! Have you been using alternative methods to process your feelings?
Good luck with the restraining order! As for what to do, maybe try to google your state laws and/or call or go to the police station and ask them all the questions you have? I think they might be the best point of call for you, so they can try to help. xx
@rebecca947
1) How are you? Is there anything you
@Autismaunt14
Heya, Aunt! Its so nice to see you again. Im so sorry to hear things are going hard for you right now, and feeling increased pain cant help the situation. What do you do or plan on doing to help yourself with the thoughts and pain today? ❤️
It seems like youve powered through all of January so far, and have been an awesome support for your nephew. I hope you have your own support too, to help you get through everything in your life.
I like that slogan a lot. Keep powering through and moving forward. Dont look back in regret, but move forward with hope. ❤️
Take care of yourself xx
@rebecca947
guessing maybe sleep after i ice finger thats 8 wks in from trying to heal from a bad break that needed 3 pins, been trying to use calmharm app, have wrote down thoughts during day that has helped some.
So I've already traveled out of the country this year. That set the tone for the rest of the year well, hopefully. I aim to be a happier person, who doesn't fear challenges. I went to Cancun for a week with friends. I lied about it to my parents though. I aim for that to be my last lie. I felt terrible. I just wanted my parents to trust me .I didn't think I, myself, was responsible at that time, so how can I persuade my parents to see I'm responsible enough to travel alone? So I told them I'm going on a small trip on bus.
Anyway, I even did a small cliff jump .It hurt me. My body flipped horizontally. Got some bruises and a bleeding lip, but it's fine i guess. I didn't cry right away. But when my friends weren't tending to me, I just wanted to scream and cry. I don't really like my friends alot of the times. Our wavelengths dont match. They are all so energetic when I'd ather chill.
@Skyy0
Heya, Sky! Woohoo, I
@rebecca947
It's really hard to care for myself the right way. When thinking about what I want, it's easy to just list out things, but when it comes down to it, I just won't really allow myself to change. The whole reason i don't see myself as responsible is because i lose things .I lost my passport countless times. So to change that...it's just hard. I just always have a forgetful mind and i just don't have alot of people willing to help me keep track of my things lol
Things are getting hard again, once i got home. I don't see people, and i don't know, i just don't want to.
@Skyy0
I wonder why you feel its hard for you to take care of yourself and try to change? Its understandable that you can forget things and hence lose things! Thats one part of being responsible, but do you think there are other aspects too? What things do you do that you think are responsible? If thats hard to think of, think of someone you admire. What responsible things do they do, and do you have any of those traits too? The whole point being, you can be responsible, but on a continuum.
As for taking responsibility of your belongings, that can also change too! Putting your passport in the same spot, or if in a new bag, writing down where in the bag and what bag you put it in. And always placing your passport back to the exact same location. If you forget things, it seems that youre relying only on your mind. Maybe writing things down on paper or on your phone, or even on your hand, could be useful! And if you dont want to specifically write down passport is _____ and letting others have easy access to seeing the location, you could be creative and write something that you understand! Or draw- who said it had to be in writing? ;) these are just suggestions, it might help you.
Why are things getting hard again once you get home? What things make it hard for you? As for you not see people- do you want to change that? If not, or even if so, why? ❤️
@rebecca947
Thank you for caring. It is hard to reach listeners I want through chat, anyway. So I guess it's just that depression is just something i have to deal with. No matter what, this dreadful, scary feeling that nothing really matters come back to me. Everything seems so difficult. Living life. Having to be truthful and honest with loved ones .It just seems i can't do it. What i really want, is to be alone and love myself first. I want to do things alone, instead of just wasting away time at home.
Being responsible... I just know there are steps i need to take, like what you said about writing out which bag it's in .
@Skyy0
Anytime <3 you're worth caring about- everyone is. I would offer you my PMs, but I can't guarantee I'll respond to them in a timely manner, unfortunately. I can understand the feeling of "nothing matters, why bother doing anything" feeling. We might have forgotten the reason we're doing the things we're doing or our purpose in life. Maybe we haven't found it. Maybe it's changed, and we're feeling lost. Or it might just be depression and chemicals. I wonder if you've seen your doctor about this depression if it's been more than 2 weeks of you feeling this way?
What things could you do alone that forces you to go outside? Or what things could you do alone inside the house- whether they be productive things or relaxing things? Loving yourself first is definitely a great step and awesome option- everything starts with loving ourselves and putting us first. xx
@rebecca947
So I want the new year to have a new me. The old me said yes all the time to friends, and I knew i wasn't feeling well, but just felt forced around like a ragdoll to "instagram famous" places. I did know how to say no. I said it once maybe, i skipped work, to lay in bed and play on my phone. Felt disgusted with myself for being useless though.
So the new me, I want to actually travel. I've been to Manhattan alone, and it's not a big enough trip. I could take a bus (that leaves the city) alone. But i dont want to announce that I'm taking a solo trip to friends and family; they wouldn't understand... But yeah, i could go to new jersey? I just want to get lost, and then find home again, meeting new people along the way.
@Skyy0
yes! Sounds like a great goal, to put yourself first and learn to say no. Say yes to the things that align with your values and interests. ❤️
I love your last sentence, to get lost and find home and meet new people along the way. I wonder if youve watched the channel Yes Theory on YouTube? When you said that sentence, the channel just immediately popped into my head, as they do similar things to that I think.
