Self Harm Recovery Daily Check-in : Tuesday, October 13th, 2020
Hey there beautiful beings :) <3
I hope that the week has started well for you ! As always, if you need hugs I'm sending some <3
So the other day I was thinking about how I feel like I'm at a bus stop at the moment. Ready to move on but not quite moving on. It got me thinking about how sometimes we get stuck in between wanting to move forward in our recovery and somehow sitting there watching everyone go by. The world always seems like a busy place, everyone rushing round doing all those important things and I feel like we don't all go at the same pace or to the same destinations. So here I am, at a bus station but not knowing where to go. At the end of the day maybe we just need to find the right bus and hop on ?
Check in questions :
1) How are you doing today ? Feel free to share anything on your mind <3
2) What would your bus stop look like ?
3) What are 3 things that you absolutely have to take with you when going on a vacation ?
Song recommendation of the day : Smoky by Joohoney
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@Slizzy564
Hey Slizzy!!! :)
1) How are you doing today ? Feel free to share anything on your mind <3
I'm ok. It is a quiet day. Trying not to let all the things I have to catch up on crush me, but rather patiently check off a few from my lists and count that as some small progress...
2) What would your bus stop look like ?
I saw a bus stop in Scotland with a rhinoceros on top of it once. I want that one! :) https://www.flickr.com/photos/59342697@N06/8200343490/
3) What are 3 things that you absolutely have to take with you when going on a vacation ?
Ipad, Cpap, wallet? (Or are the last two freebies?) Also, some non-negotiable work / church stuff...
@1morday
Ok, scratch that:
https://www.thisiscolossal.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/Rostovanovskoye_RUSSIA.jpg
@1morday
Hey there :)
Quiet days are often nice days for me, I hope it's the same for you :) That's a very positive way of dealing with the things you have to do, wish I could learn from you honestly :) And you're right, even small progress is progress and should be noticed :) Congrats on making progress <3
Now I have to say that those bus stops are fantastic ! I had no idea that such things existed x) You made my day with these pictures :)
Freebie or not, you can take whatever :) Why would you want to take work with you on a vacation ?
Thanks for checking in, take care <3
Hi, sorry for the long answer in advance. Probably better for my journal.
1 & maybe 2) Your post really resonates with me today, wanting to move forward but not doing so and not knowing where to go. A lot of my harm has been emotional lately. I guess neglecting my needs counts as physical. There have been the exact same thoughts running in my mind with no sign of letting up. No matter what I can't ease them. I'm annoyed that I can't focus on my schoolwork because of it. I was doing so well. Then suddenly, my thoughts drift to a person, a mistake, a situation I can't or shouldn't change. It's always something in my past and it leaves me regretting my present and worrying about my future.
I spend hours hating who I was, forgetting that I'm allowed to change. I'm allowed to make mistakes - even the same ones - until my logical and emotional sides get on the same frickin page of what is / isn't appropriate. At a point, it does become a problem. People shouldn't have to get caught in my mistakes. I haven't severely blown up nearly as many friendships as my brain likes to tell me. Just 4, not that they weren't important. I tend to ruin the most important / meaningful ones in time. My abandonment issues from early childhood reappears in them every single time - gotta work on it. My brain says I ruin every friendship sooner or later, cause drama, am toxic. True. I can change. I'm trying. It's hard when you hate yourself. You'd be surprised how trying "release" people from friendships to spare them the crappiness that is me only causes more drama. Eventually they're like "yeah, alright, bye." I have to remind myself the change isn't really for me in this case, it's for my remaining friends, future friends, future me so they aren't miserable.
I'm in my early 20s, a prime time for mistakes. I can't measure myself based on standards a 30+ year old with a need for control and a personality disorder & mood disorders puts on me: a 22 year old with depression/anxiety and a need for order/control. 2 different age groups, ways of experiencing life, ways of "control", ideas of what's acceptable in relationships. I bring up the mental illness only because they severely color the way we see life and each other... My brain is still growing regardless of mental illness, won't mature until 25. People seem to forget what it's like to be young. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really an awful person like my brain says - and like people make me feel - or if I'm too sensitive, choosing friends who aren't right for me, impulsively 'choosing' to do and say things that I know will haunt me. I'm not a victim. Because of that I fear in my future, someone from my past will pop up on social media and tell the world how I was. My brain gets stuck and writing them out makes no difference. Telling my therapist makes no difference. I'm worried it will just push me back into my ED, back into overexercising, already running low on sleep again.
3) This resonates with me, too. I'm trying to declutter with this method. So my 3 things aside from clothes: my ipad, a cardigan, and over-the-ear headphones
@Lexloveslife
Hi there :)
No worries about the long post, I enjoy long answers, gives me loads to read and an in depth look into your mindset :)
I'm sorry to hear that you've been having a hard time recently and that it's led to emotional and physical harm. I get you on having thoughts in your head that don't go away even when you try your best. Indeed it must be hard to focus on anything else and I understand your frustration when it comes to important stuff such as school work. Even if you feel like you're not doing well at the moment, at least you know that, in better conditions, you can get to that healthier mindset. As for thinking about the past, I get you. I live a lot in the past actually. Though no matter how much you think about it, it won't changed what happened, therefore it can't change your future any more than you can decide where you want to be next.
Hating who you are sounds painful. It's an emotion I've already felt though maybe not in the same intensity as you are now. Sure you're allowed to make mistakes, just the same as anyone else. You're 'only' a human being and nobody is perfect, we all have flaws and that's what makes us unique. I'm sorry that you feel like you must cut off relationships even if you do it for other's well being. Having said that, nobody can live alone forever and you don't know how these friendships will unfold later on. I do understand though that abandonment issues can make the maintaining of such relationships complicated. As for changing, it's hard. When we try to change, we're confronted with our old ways of thinking and even if they aren't the best, there's some form of comfort in routine and it can be hard to let that go.
I think we tend to underestimate how much our life changes in the early 20s. And what you're saying is very true ! 2 different people with 2 very different mindsets. Sure mental illness does colour the way we see our life. Though I do agree with you that you don't have to live up to someone else's standards. As for being an awful person, I don't know if there are really 'good' and 'bad' people. I mean that there's always a story behind a behaviour and I find that if we judge people only on the behaviour then we don't get the full story so obviously things don't add up. There's always a difference between what you are, what you think you are and what people think you are. I understand that somebody popping up and telling the world how you were sounds scary. But without the past you then there wouldn't be the present you. Once again nobody is perfect and nobody has a perfect past. I hope that you manage to keep control of your ED, I'll admit that I don't know much about ED so I can't really help you out on that one, sorry.
As for your 3 items, sounds very functional. What kind of music do you enjoy ?
Thanks for checking in, I don't know if my answer will be of any help but if need be we're here for you, take care <3
1) How are you doing today ? Feel free to share anything on your mind <3
Nervous most of the day and disappointed in myself.
2) What would your bus stop look like ?
It would be a simple one. In a rainy and void area.
3) What are 3 things that you absolutely have to take with you when going on a vacation ?
A smart phone, a stack of cash AKA my fun money and get out of jail and go home money and good footwear.
@Flornhope
Hi there !
I'm sorry to hear that you had a difficult day and that you're feeling disappointed in yourself. Is there a reason behind this feeling ? I wish for easy days in the future for you <3
Simple and effective then ? Your bus stop does sound a bit lonely though that might not be what you meant.
Smart phone and cash sound like essentials, I have to say that good footwear is a good idea ! :)
Thanks for checking in, take care <3
@Slizzy564 Thank you. I'm almost always nervous. I guess I have always expected more from myself. I have worked hard most all of my life and I have nothing to show for it. Not in life experience or in how we affect others. So in a way I have failed at life. I think the bus stops is kinda how I see myself in life. Alone on a long rainy road. With nothing behind me or in front of me. I have traveled a little and twice I set off with old shoes that fell apart and than spent alot of time trying to find any that fit.
@Flornhope
Hum it sounds like you're very hard on yourself. Obviously I don't know everything that has happened in your life, but I'm sorry to hear that you feel this way about how far you've come. I'm not going to be super positive because I feel that sometimes that's not what we need when we're feeling down. But I've always thought there's some beauty to living even if it's being alone on a long rainy road. Maybe one day things will look a bit better for you and you'll be able to look back on this period of your life a bit stronger and maybe wiser, who knows ?
@Slizzy564 Maybe, hopefully, eventually. Thank you
1) How are you doing today ? Feel free to share anything on your mind <3
Today was super hectic for me. On the bright side, it's a 4 day week for me as I had Monday off.
2) What would your bus stop look like ?
Quiet and not too busy (but not completely isolated)
3) What are 3 things that you absolutely have to take with you when going on a vacation ?
Phone, toothbrush, and hand sanitizer
@lovelyWhisper66
Hey hey :)
Sorry to hear about your busy day, though like you say at least it's a shorter week ! Good to hear that you're looking for the bright side of all this :)
Sound like your bus stop would be somewhere in between, if that makes sense?
3 very useful objects to take with you there ! Gotta love practical thinking :)
Thanks for checking in, take care <3
@Slizzy564
1) How are you doing today ? Feel free to share anything on your mind <3
I'm doing well. One of my roommates might have covid, so he's getting tested, but in the mean time we had to change up the cooking schedule, which is a little stressful. Also, calling around a lot these days in order to get financial aid.
2) What would your bus stop look like ?
Pretty minimalistic, I feel the most comfortable with as little noise going on as possible. But I would enjoy some animals, like birds, to be around. So I would plant some trees or bushes around it to attach them.
3) What are 3 things that you absolutely have to take with you when going on a vacation ?
I never really go on vacation, but if I imagined I would, I would bring a book, my phone to listen to music on, but muting all other noise, and I guess my meds, otherwise I can't function right haha
@Madaraismyspiritanimal
Hi there !
Oh I'm sorry to hear about your roommate, I hope they're okay. Changing up the schedule does sound stressful though hopefully things will soon be back in order ! I also hope that you can get the financial aid that you need, hang in there !
Your bus stop sounds pretty peaceful ! I want to visit it one day :) Listening to the birds and enjoying nature in general sounds very relaxing.
Oh what kind of book would you like to take with you ? I get you for listening to music on my phone, I do that too :) And yeah taking your meds sounds like a great idea if you want to fully enjoy the vacation :)
Thanks for checking in, take care <3
@Slizzy564, hey there! :)
1) How are you doing today ? Feel free to share anything on your mind <3
Fantastic. I played an amazing mobile platformer game called Nameless Cat. I thought that the game would be able to make me cry because the atmosphere was melancholic. Additionally, I like the latest chapter of Attack on Titan. Now, I'm absolutely certain that my favorite genre must be Tragedy. Wtf.
2) What would your bus stop look like ?
My bus stop would have some chairs, and a roof prepared for rainy days. A fancy design would be great, but I'm no good at describing it in written or verbal form. So, I'll just keep that design in my head. ;)
3) What are 3 things that you absolutely have to take with you when going on a vacation ?
Money, food, and my phone.
Thanks for the check-in and take care.
@LovelyOrangeJuice
Hey there :)
Great to hear that you're doing well ! So did the game make you cry ? x) Oh I read Attack on Titan too though I'm reading the colossal editions so I'm not really up to date on the lastest chapters ! Aaah there's nothing wrong with a bit of drama now and again ;)
Oh so like a classy type of bus stop ? Or more of a futuristic style ? Haha sometimes it's hard to describe what our imagination comes up with ;)
Very good things to take with you, what food do you enjoy on a trip ? :)
Thnaks for checking in, take care too <3
@Slizzy564
Actually, the game failed to make me cry. Speaking of Attack on Titan, the fourth season will be released on December 7 at Japan this year. I can't wait to watch it!!
Yeah. What would your bus stop look like then? Now, I'm wondering how you will describe your imagination. x)
The food that I would love to bring at a trip are any type of chips. I would rather bring something easy and crunchy to eat.
@LovelyOrangeJuice
Oh well I guess that's a good thing in a way x) Though I have to say that I'm guilty of crying easily while reading, watching films whatever x) Oh yeah !!! I forgot about that ! Can't wait for season 4 :) I'll be watching that with my brother :)
My bus stop ? I guess it'd be more of a bus station, with loads of different buses available that could take you to so many different places. It'd be mainly concrete and all grey with nobody around. Maybe a few birds but that's all. The only thing that is colourful is the plan of the station. Each route has it's own colour : bright yellow, electric blue, deep purple, flashy pink, vibrant green, etc. I'd sit there for hours on the hard cold concrete bench wondering where to go. No matter where I look or whichever bus goes by, my attention is always drawn back to the plan and its merry colours. There are many ways that I could move on from this place, but something keeps holding me back.
Ah yes ! Good idea though often I get crumbs everywhere x)
@Slizzy564
Yeah, We're all excited with Attack on Titan!
Wow. Your bus stop seems like a nice place to relax because it looks so peaceful. I think it's natural that something can hold us back from going out from our bus station which could be our emotions. Emotions are sometimes so difficult to control. x)
Yeah. Eating chips are a bit messy. I often wash my hands after eating some of it.
@LovelyOrangeJuice
Hum it does seem like it :) I don't know but there's something about the series that just draws me in x)
Oh I didn't necessarily mean it as so but sure come relax at my bus stop :) And you're right emotions are pretty hard to control, at least for me anyway x)
1) How are you doing today ? Feel free to share anything on your mind <3
I'm doing pretty well, actually. Today was a pretty good day, and I've been able to just take a moment to breathe and rest.
I'm starting to accept that life will always be hectic and stressful, and I can't just keep waiting for the worst things to pass. I've been at my bus stop for a long time, just waiting for things to get better. I keep thinking that the moment everything has fallen in place, and the exact bus I'm waiting for comes along, I'll be able to hop on and just ride through life. But I know that's not true. Real life means getting onto buses that aren't quite comfortable, but will get you where you need to be, before you get off and hop onto another bus. Real life means no bus will be perfect, and sometimes the bus you're on will be old and worn down and dirty, but you get on anyway because it's the journey that matters, isn't it? No matter how good your bus feels, there's always a better one out there, and the key is to stop waiting for the bus to get better, and start enjoying the ride. You're on the bus, why let all of these things ruin the ride?
2) What would your bus stop look like ?
My bus stop will be comfortable and welcoming, with enough room for other people to sit with me. It'll be cozy, and it'll always have room for wayward travelers.
3) What are 3 things that you absolutely have to take with you when going on a vacation ?
A comb, a water bottle, and a book
@honestpanda81
Hi hi :)
I'm glad to hear that you had a good day ! Taking time to breathe and rest is a very good way of keeping our energy up :)
I love your words about not waiting for the perfect bus and focusing more on enjoying the ride. Life isn't an easy or perfect ride so it seems pretty obvious that the perfect bus doesn't exist and like you say, there are always better buses. So yeah taking the time to appreciate the ride and actually getting to that destination sounds great, even if that means having to catch an other bus later on, it's all part of the adventure that life is. And if you really don't like the bus you're on, then why not repair/decorate it ?
Your bus stop sounds really cosy :) Sounds like you're not afraid to travel !
Do you like styling your hair ? And what type of book would you like to take with you ?
Thanks for checking in, take care <3
@Slizzy564
I often have to remind myself that I'm not beholden to my circumstances, so this was a really good reminder that I have the freedom to do whatever I want with my space on the bus. I can clean it up myself and liven it up, as long as I put my heart into it
I'm not actually great at styling my hair, but I do find a lot of comfort in using a gentle brush I'm used to and making sure my hair is smooth and untangled. It's just an old routine of mine, where I'm starting the day peacefully
As for what books, I would bring an entire library with me if I could. I've always been an avid reader, and I love spending an hour or so just diving into another world, mystery, or adventure. A wonderful book I'm currently reading is called "My Grandmother Asked Me To Tell You She's Sorry", about a little girl navigating the lives of her family and neighbours after her grandmother passes on. It's a lot more heart-warming and thoughtful than I thought it would be, and I'm really enjoying it :-)
