I have to be better. But is that what's holding me back this incessant need to prove myself or is it a strength

To tow the lines between being better and falling as far as I can then pushing further to the brink of the neverending consuming blissful trap of pain. Of one more. One more cut. One more burn. One more drink. One more time to feel the blade until consumed by the neverending need to harm myself to feel the end, to see the end, to know if I'm really alive. Then in the next swing feeling on top of the world.

I thought I was better. I must be better. I have to be better.