Love, depression, self harm

I would like to share my problems in case someone has some advice on what to do.

So I’ve been suffering from depression, self harm and eating disorder for 10+ years now. Some days are better than others but currently it seems like there is no way out.

Everything i do is unsuccessful, i am fighting a lot with my relatives, i keep my emotions inside and pretending like everything is fine.

I also have this “friend” that i fell in love with and he fell in love with me as well, but he had a girlfriend and the other friend of mine told me that apparently they broke up. I don’t want to ask him about it right now but for the past two months he has been very distant, he didn’t talk to me or anything. And two weeks ago we met sorted some other things out and he became distant again, although he texts me occasionally after we met.

Im scared to loose him completely, that he will cut the contact altogether and left. I miss him like crazy and I might sound stupid or crazy but i truly wish for us to be together.

In the meantime when we weren’t in contact for two months i had a slip up and harmed myself which I slightly regret now and I’m too scared to tell him especially now when i know he is going trough stuff.

There are days when i wish I wasn’t here, i feel like i got no support and if i do tell anybody they will put me back to psychiatric hospital.

If anyone has any advice i will be very thankful for it.