TW: Is SH always just meant to be emotionally escaping?

TW: ... hello, it's my first thread as im a newbie ....idk how to start this but anyway this "escaping distraction" will be add to my arm &leg [ I Promise ] if I've hurted anyone , ....... just i had many mental health problems, and recently I had started to SH as im a suicidal thinker , but for me this things is different, I mean, I'm not doing this for emotionally escaping or expressing or because maybe I always feels unlisted but instead I'm doing this as punishment for everyone I've hurted and for everyone I'll hurt by any word or do or even silence, even i didn't do anything, but I feel that this person is just mad so it's ofc bcuz of me,

And that because I feel that I don't deserve to live safe and that such a "devil" in everyone's live and just had born to be that , however I tried to help . Actually I started to accepting that so much ( which even making me asking why am I posting this thread to find help) and that added to me more mentally issues as i started to not talk to anyone ( friends, family) just to not being punished, and im not cutter cuz I don't see that it's harming enough for my sins and issues, maybe a burner or breaker ,

BTW I am 15 yo and had asked for help several times from several people including friends , family, mom , dad .

But mom was disgusting from me and always said that if I wanna to d I e so I should go somewhere away from her , and when she found out my scars she just punishmented me more and forced me from going school, and just after that I broke my arm cuz I felt she is very mad at me.

In the end I'm very sorry for making that very long and sorry if I've hurted anyone ( as I promised to add that to my body) , it wasn't that easy to writing that and I feeling like very stranger but maybe idk I have a chance