TW? Manging shame associated with self harm/rant

I started self harming when I was in high school. I was able to stop doing it consistently after getting on medication and speaking with a therapist. Another large factor for why I was able to stop was due to the stigma associated with self harm- it was too much work to hide and I didn’t want to upset my family or friends

Now as a young adult, I still occasionally get urges, just as I did in the past. But it’s easier to keep marks private as I live alone and have autonomy that I didn’t have as a teenager. I’ve made mistakes over the years but am able to stop doing it for long stretches of time which I’m proud of myself for!

It’s very difficult for me to open up about this with my therapist and even friends who have opened up to me about their own past struggles with self harm. It’s because I feel so ashamed of myself for having such a strong urge to use this coping mechanism, when rationally know better.

It just is difficult because shame is a protective factor that keeps me from self harming. But at the same time shame and embarrassment are heavy emotions to carry and make it more difficult for me to reach out for help when I need it.