You can do it

I began SHing when I was 11.

Turns out I had undiagnosed ADHD, ASD and depression which were royally messing up my life. I didn't do it because I wanted to feel pain or because I thought I deserved it, it was just because I needed something to validate the pain I was feeling inside. It was my way to put all of that emotional pain into a physical form because it was easier for me to accept and deal with it. I didn't want people to know because I was so ashamed of it, so I hid it for 3 years before i went to a paediatrician about my mental struggles and possible diagnoses, and she forced me to admit to it right Infront of my mother. Of course, being the person she is, she had to make me feel worse about it. She has a particular talent to demean and guilt people indirectly, and she managed to make it about her. She decided she had to tell my nan, pop, aunty, uncle, cousin, and idk who else (like mate, that's not your secret to be telling) so she could do the whole "what did I do wrong" spiel. I was trying to stop for months, and she would randomly bring it up as soon as the intrusive thoughts would finally go away, bringing them back up to the surface and usually ending with me relapsing again. Eventually I yelled at her to stop asking me about it, and I told her that even if I was I wouldn't tell her anyways. Of course this ended with her crying and guilt tripping me once again ("I'm sorry I'm such a *** mum" etc etc). Eventually in early 2022 I decided I would finally stop. By then it had become such a regular thing that I struggled to even want to stop, let alone get myself there. I was so horribly burnt out from the stress of school and existing and stuff, where I knew that if I didn't stop, it would most like just get worse and I probably wouldn't make it to graduation. It took me a few months to finally throw everything out so I wouldn't be tempted again, but eventually I did it, and there started my longest clean streak.

It has been a tough year - the toughest I've ever had to live through. This year I was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism, I walked the Kokoda Trail, and I just completed Year 11. But probably one of my most important achievements this year, was that I just hit 1 year clean of self harming. I have been *** tempted. I nearly relapsed multiple times a month. I was seconds away from relating a few times. I have even strongly considered ending it a few times purely due to the stress that just living was giving me. But I did it. After 6 years, I finally did it.

November 24, 2023.

1 year clean.