Zero point

First of I want to say I was becoming normal again. I was becoming happy and satisfied with myself at the beginning of this year (2023). Then all of a sudden I began to fall again started self harming again.

Sometimes I wonder why I am who I am, I wonder why I was ever created or made, I curse the day I was born.

No matter what I do I feel as though I can never heal. I struggle every day trying to overcome some kind of pain.

I am reminded that I'll never be good enough by my parents every single day.

When I try to break the cycle I end up in one.

I started self harming cause it helps me subdue other rising matters. It gives me this feeling of happiness while I scream cause it really hurts. When I tried talking it out people made me feel like I was weird and I'll never be normal I was discarded like a tissue that has been used and that is thrown into dustbin.

Most people say my emotional scars are too deep due to continuous hurt.

Let's not even talk about me being sexually assaulted cause that's another pain entirely. My only cry is to be normal to reach the point of success but no matter what I still on the zero point.

Today I've been crying throughout uncontrollably. The past flashes before my eyes and I break into tears saying it's all my fault and screaming I hate myself so much.

Nothing has made me happy today, even the gospel music I play as of now makes me depressed.

When I try to hide the pain you know fake it till I make it nothing can cover my pain. The smile I wear is beginning to fade away. I'm never the weak girl so I have to strong for everyone, I have to be ok even when I'm not regardless of the challenges I'm supposed to be perfect

It 11pm here but I'm too scared of sleeping cause of my consistent nightmares that I have been having since June. Tell me why must my life be depressing in every way. I tell myself I'll be ok it'll be alright

But no matter what I still land on the zero point.