confused and scared

it’s been a long time since I’ve done anything. I think over a year at this point, maybe? but the walls feel like theyre crashing. i want so badly to isolate and relapse. its like an itch that keeps growing and growing. im terrified. my partner tries to understand, but i dont think they can. last relapse, they said they dont know how much more they can handle - and i get it, i understand the feeling, but im going crazy trapped in my own head. i cant check myself in somewhere. im stuck. im screaming and crying and dying inside.