i’m an idiot
tw sh
33 cvts in 2 days✨ i’m too addicted to sh i gotta stop there’s srsly something wrong with me i’m a dumb idiot why can’t i just stoppppp. if my mum finds out i’m literally dead and not in the good way..
@lavenderLake2009
I'll bet you are many things, but doubt idiot is one of them. I am not at all qualified or knowledgeable, to be of much help, but I do care. I am sure there are many others in you life that do, also. In the hopes of helping in some small way, do you know what is triggering you?
thank youuuu❤️ (but i am an idiot) thank you for caringggg🫶🏽 tbh it’s just life itself every time it starts trying to improve something kinda ruins it and atp especially it’s my mum and the bs abuse. thanks for replying anyways, hope ur having a lovely day u lovely person🫶🏽
@lavenderLake2009
Please understand I am not giving advice. I am not counselor of any kind, and some of my coping skills aren't the healthiest. I have been abused much of my life. I often had to find safe places to go. The library was a very good one. There are people there, but not the people who are abusing you. I also did a lot of journaling but of course I did have to ensure it was never seen. Those were probably the two most helpful to me. Numbing also helped in the thick of things and was useful in helping me through but not useful when I use it in other situations.
thank you ocean❤️ i’m sorry you were abused..or if u still are, i hope you’re okay now..❤️ thank you for the helpful ways🫶🏽
@lavenderLake2009
I am okay now Thank you. It took me a long time to get away. Longer than it should have but I was given a way to do it and took that opportunity. Just keep knowing that you are wonderful person and no one should be abusing you. Treat yourself as kind as you can, like you are your best friend. Because you are.
i’m glad ur okay now❤️❤️was getting away the better thing to do..? like was there anything u lost out of it cause to me in my eyes there’s so much to lose..thank you lots ur really lovely..🫶🏽
It's very much better now. It wasn't easy to find a place I could afford for my daughter's and myself. Money was very tight. At first I was afraid I wouldn't make it work out, But it did. Even through all the hard times we made it work. I have more than I have ever dreamed I would have. It has gotten easier to make decisions for myself. My daughters are old enough now to make their own. And they are healing too.
oh you’re an adult? i didn’t really realise..awh bless you i’m so glad you were able to make it work, you’re so stronggg and ur so amazing (: i turned 14 recently so still a while to go till i get to be quite independent and leave this *** home but idk if i’ll even make it till then✨thank you for all your support and sharing ur story, it gives me hope i guess and i’m glad it’s better for you, you deserve it i hope ur doing okay❤️
@lavenderLake2009
You desérve to be treated well also. Sometimes we are not in a position to end it for awhile. Find your safe places, in kind people, in actual places away from the abuse and inside yourself. As mr. Rogers said, look for the helpers.
i’m not so sure about that..i’ve sorta got a few ways to do it but yeah i’ve not got a proper plan yet and i’m trying to avoid making one cause it’ll make it so much more tempting obviously. i have a friend who’s being abused too so we kinda relate to eachother she’s sort of a safe place, but other ‘kind people’ would just ruin everything. i have one helper my best friend and i’m pretty sure it’ll stay that way forever. thank you ocean❤️
@lavenderLake2009
I am glad you have your one helper. But please don't be too hasty to shut everyone else out. I liked to hide that way because it felt safe not to have to deal with other people and guess really is good but I can tell you once I could see the good in a person or two, I started being able to see it in other people. Now I have very many people to help me out and I help them also and is so much easier to see the good in people. I had a tremendously big health issue about a year and a half ago. At first I was left unable to do anything, including speak or move or even breathe for myself. They were going to put me in hospice and make me comfortable. My sister fought long and hard to get me to a different hospital who did numerous surgeries and therapies
I still have some work to do and it seems like it's been such a long journey because I forget how bad it was. I think I learned to be this scrappy fighter and I'm still here, a little bit because of clawng my way out of the abuse. If I could do that, I could do this. I told you about the health issue mostly though to tell you that after I got out of that abuse I met a lot of good people And they became a support system. I would not have been able to keep my house and pay my bills while I was hospitalized. They took turns coming to sit with me and feed me and help out my daughters and sisters. This is why I say look for the helpers and what I mean is the good people. I don't know if you believe in intuition but mine says you are going to be okay. You're looking for the right places to find support. I'm thinking that makes you a scrappy fighter too! Sending love for you and your friend
i’m glad too, we didn’t even talk much till recently till she opened up to me and sooner or later i related too much to her not to not open up myself. i have that bad habit of shutting everyone out, i know i can’t open up to anyone who can do anything so i get mad at them if they want to get involved cause i know i can’t let them. thank you so much for sharing ur story, you’re so so strong and i’m so glad u made it through it all you super lovely person, i hope you’re doing okay now even though ur ‘better’ having lived life that way , it will never completely leave you, i know. thank you so much for believing i’m going to be okay- i hope i will be too, my scrappy fighter friend sending love to you and your family on this difficult healing journey❤️ hopefully soon it will be my time to heal once i get out of this situation sooner or later (trying to be positive😭) thank you lots ocean you amazing person stay strong i know you’re an amazing mother and friend and you’re really inspirational❤️
Please feel free to find me if you want someone to talk to.
Also I forgot something. It's my stroke brain, a little slow... I hope you're right and I am a good mother My daughters seem to think so and seem to understand why we staued in such a bad situation for so long. They are healing too, and are no longer angry with me for that.
It is hard learning to trust your intuition or gut about who can be trusted and who cannot, most especially if the people who are supposed to take care of you cannot be trusted. You don't know if I'm lying to you about some of the things I've been through, and I don't know that you're not just some teenager who is angry at their parents because they can't have a cell phone or go somewhere they shouldn't be. I have to follow my intuition and you're yours. From the way you have described things, I felt like and feel like still that you are a good and honest person.
thank you so much for being really nice, i’m pretty sure i am right u seem lovely and you seem like a very good mother, honestly. i’m glad they are healing too and no longer angry with you cause abuse is hard. hey, trust me i’d never think you were lying i believe in the decency of humans enough to hope that someone wouldn’t use this much of their time to lie about something that people actually struggle with, i believe you even if you don’t believe me, i mean you don’t have to but i’ll always believe you. thank you so so much i think your an even better good and honest and lovely person❤️ thank you lotssss
@lavenderLake2009
I really wish I could make things better for you. But I can listen and my high hopes and good thoughts your way. Life is never perfect and I believe everyone has hard times to swim through but I believe you're going to get through this and even though it's bad learn something valuable from it. Oh but sometimes I would like to learn the easy way!
haha what i’ve learnt is that i would rather be dead then keep trying but i mean i’m still trying😭 thank you so muchhh ur so lovely thank you ocean🫶🏽
@lavenderLake2009
Sometimes I feel that too. I hear you. It's off and hard to deal with those ups and downs. Especially if it seems like the downs are more than the ups. Sometimes it's hard just looking for the ups to remember. I hope you will consider meeting a new friend one of those good feelings. I know I do. I hope you will not give up. There will be more good times. There will be more bad times too, there always are, But I suspect we learned better deal with them as time goes by. I know I do.
yep when things get bad, offing myself just seems like the best solution tbh..sometimes the bad times overtake the good times and aren’t really worth staying for..but idk i’ll see i’m trying somewhat i guess
I can no longer reply to you on this thread But did not want to leave you hanging. I'm not exactly sure if I should share this or not but I often felt like you have mentioned. It has been way back and I was in my very early thirties when I tried to do what you are talking about. It did not work the first day, so I tried a second time the next day. It still did not work. Then I told myself I was such a complete failure I couldn't even do that right! I thought Im going to have to figure out how to be here since I can't figure out how to not be. About 3 days later I had a very near miss with a huge Mack truck full of limestone. I barely got stopped before he ran through a red signal. My first thought was I almost died. And then I laughed and laughed and laughed. I thought, I missed my chance. Then I really thought, maybe I'm supposed to be here. When I nearly died with my illness, but didn't, I believe I was told there's a reason I'm still supposed to be here. I hope this made you laugh the way I laughed, But even more so I hope this helps you to know there's a reason you're here and I hope you'll stick around for the adventure to find out why. Perhaps it is to continue to help me through my own struggles, because you are helping me. And isn't it funny that I need help, and you need help, and yet I want to help you, but you are helping me?
i don’t know if you’ll see this cause you said you can no longer reply but i’ll still reply anyways (: i’m sorry life hurt that much to the point where u felt the need to do that..u deserve better and although it may not have looked like it was better i’m so glad ur okay and here now. i guess so, the biggest and only fear of suicide is failing. i’ve not fully thought it out yet so maybe i’ll change my mind i don’t know..thank you for saying you hope i’ll stick around❤️am i really helping you? i feel like im not really at all but so proud of u for everything you’ve overcome either way even tho im not really good at being helpful to anyone..haha people who have struggled always help the best, people who know what it’s like, it just goes back and forth, experience teaches a lot, some good some bad but i’ll always be happy to try my best in helping others even if i’m not doing it rn i do it the most i can even tho i can be a really awful person cause i know how it feels. thank you so much for being so lovely and helping me❤️
@lavenderLake2009
You truly are helping. Reminding me of many things that I am thankful for, and reminding me a very hard times I have overcome, which reminds me that I can overcome the hard times I'm going through right now. I feel really good and I think you are the reason. Please don't give up on you, it would feel like giving up on me too. And I know you are special. I bet there are a lot of people you help, that friend you spoke of, me, and I see you have a lot of points on here so you must have been helpful here to some people aside from me! I would like to hear from you daily if that's okay. You are a bright spot in my day. Your light is shining through.
stopp that’s so sweet🥲 i didn’t know i was helping at alll, yeah i believe in u lovely, you can do this, ur so so strong and you will overcome it cause ur a fighter and you will be okay!❤️ awe wait that’s so niceeee..i’m not quite sure about not giving up on myself yet but it means a lot that you’ve said that. ur so so smart toooo thank you u give me a tiny bit of hope to still be here, ur so really lovely (: id love to message u daily ur so kind❤️ me a bright spot? i thought i was very pessimistic and only impacted others negatively but thank youuu😭❤️
By the way, I started a new thread with you to continue speaking.
@lavenderLake2009 We can think that something is wrong with us when life throws things like this at us. Just remember that you are doing a great job!
@Lavender
Do you have any idea what you would like to do as an occupation? My grandson is 10 and he thinks he knows already a YouTube star of course. I had no idea what I wanted to do when I was in school or even in college. I chose at first to study accounting, then I moved to computer science, which in my day meant building it, programming it, repairing it, and learning anything else that came up. Sheesh, maybe I am old! I know these days everyone specializes in something. I chose those fields because I thought I didn't want deal with people. Because of my computer skills, I ended up in two jobs working in the behavioral health field. Specifically addictions and domestic violence for perpetrators. I wondered why I would want to be around 'those' people? Had I not been through enough of that? But when I took the first job I needed the money. When I took the second one it was because I realized how much I was learning from the clients, and how much less they became 'those' people, once I knew them and a little of their own stories. They became people with names and hurts and joys, and sometimes hard hearts and loving hearts all in the same person. Those things, lavender, are the things you were reminding of me of. And if you ever thought about being a therapist, I bet you would be good at it.
i’m actually not quite sure about my job quite yet. i’m in year 9 (13-14) and picked my options a while ago and i picked history psychology and health and social so idk what i’m gonna do quite yet the future is scary, and wanting to yk maybe i shouldn’t worry about the thought of the future so much..woah that’s a lot, i’m so glad you’ve got a job your happy with now, u are happy with it right? sometimes you find yourself running back to what you’d least expect sometimes in a negative way and sometimes even in a positive way..i have thought about that tbh but i thought i lacked empathy too much, that i’m not likeable enough, that i’ll never be able to be that nice to people but who knows if i get off the track of suicide and this abuse gets better then maybe i’ll be able to heal properly..maybe i’ll be able to be a ‘normal’ person and think abit more clearly, i know my mindset is so damaged rn even though i have all these thoughts i’m so convinced are true deep deep deep deep down there’s something telling me they aren’t. thank you soo much ocean ❤️
@lavenderLake2009
I wonder who exactly is a 'normal' person? What do they look like? What do they do? What do they say?
Why do you think you are not a normal person on someone else is? I'm not trying to be facetious, or sarcastic. This is an honest question trying to figure out what your version of normal is. I am the version of that in my own head, and I'm wondering if it's the same or different from yours. I have never thought to examine whether or not my version is even possible in anyone. I can't actually name one person who fits the description.
@adaptableOcean4193
i know everyone says normal doesn’t exist but my mum thinks i’m not normal and i just wanna look normal to her as in not being the way i am, weird annoying rude sad all that bs that makes me not normal. normal people don’t act the way i do cause im just crazy and that’s why my mum doesn’t like me. im not a normal person cause i don’t act like a normal person would. it’s hard to explain but in my mind it makes sense i know exactly what i mean.normal is whatever the *** my parents standards are that i don’t seem to ever be reaching
@lavenderLake2009
Hello - It's okay if you don't believe this yourself, I just wanted to say this. I don't believe you're an idiot at all. You are a human being who deserves compassion and understand just as much as everyone else. Yes, I don't know you at all or what you've been through, but I do know that there's a reason why you sh and that it's perfectly valid. I understand that it's hard to stop... and from your post maybe there's some regret / shame that goes along with it (I could be wrong though), but although I do wish that you wouldn't hurt yourself, I don't think there's anything wrong with you doing so. If you ever need someone to talk to, please reach out to me, I'll be glad to support you. This community is here for you
@hsunami thank you so so much❤️ i am an idiot though i do so many stupid things and ruin so many peoples lives✨ i regret it only cause it scars. if no one would notice then i’d cut myself all over.there is lots wrong w me i’m just a crazy idiot but whatever. thank you lots hsunami❤️
