vent (tw, probably)
im 4 days clean, which is good i guess.
i havent been able to go more than a week clean since i started (10 months ago). the good thing is i just started therapy a couple weeks ago, so that should help i guess. my therapist seems awesome from the get-go. not 100% sure if i can tell her about sh without parents being called though.
anyways i guess i just feel like *** all the time and a lot of the time i feel really blank and just not all there and then something makes me feel miserable and i sh. its weird because i feel like most of my depression is better now, but also not. maybe just different. idk? the way it used to be was i would have thoughts constantly that im worthless, garbage, hopeless; i had full mental break downs where i would just collapse and cry and feel so overwhelmed i cant even explain; and dysphoria was way worse. now i just feel like a shell kind of, i dont have those thoughts much, but i do kind of cry often, idk. its honestly really hard to tell whats going on because my memory is completely horrible and idk idk idk maybe im worse than before maybe way better maybe the same i dont even know i seriously cant remember idk if any of that is true or what everything is so foggy so im probably completely fine and being dramatic over nothing if i cant even tell if theres a problem/what the problem is
I'm rooting for you 100000%!! Congrats on your 4 days, any days you make it through are good days, whether they are consecutive or not. Going through therapy is a very weird process, it's not always going to be linear "I'm getting better". Some parts go forwards, some parts go backwards, new things come up, it's all quite a journey. But it's a worthwhile thing to go through. If you're concerned about what your therapist will tell your parents, it's okay to ask about it first! Such as, "could you remind me, what kinds of topics are you required to tell my parents about?" Or even just saying there are some things you want to bring up but are concerned because you want it to stay private between you two. But, don't discredit your own feelings or assume everything is fine/you're just being dramatic just because it's all confusing. You deserve support even when things don't make a lot of sense and even when some things are going okay.
@FoxPrince thanks so much :) good idea, i'll ask her tuesday on my next appointment. i really appreciate your message, i was in a really bad/weird place at the moment of posting, and im thinking a lot more clearly now. i was wrong, actually 3 days at time of posting, and 5 days now :) somehow i got through that safely. its kind of predictable when things start to go down but i cant do anything to stop it. think i might have been dissociating but im not sure why. anyways im okay for now thanks for being supportive :)
@pw123
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