I walked away
Had an urge, my things were there, but I redirected my anger! Made me feel strong, I haven't felt that in a while.
Hey @mytwistedsoul
I wanted to quickly reply and let you know how proud I am of you! I know we don't know eachother, but turning away from the urges and redirecting your anger is a huge huge step that you should be incredibly proud of! I know it isn't the easiest thing to do especially when the urges are so intense, but I am so glad that you successfully managed to redirect your emotions. You are strong, you are amazing
I hope the rest of your week has gone well!
@mytwistedsoul Hello, Soul. Bunnie feels great to see you here! 💖
That was such a brave thing to do, and I am glad that you felt great after doing it! Resisting urges can be terribly hard but I am proud of you for doing it. Kudos, and stay strong and amazing, lovely 💖
@emsworld @BunnieLuv Thank you! It's nice to be able to share some success here. 7cups is the only place I hear people say that they're proud of my successes. It's a daily struggle though and some days it lurks on the outer fringes just waiting to pounce and the slightest thing can get it moving. But for every day I don't, it's one less day I could have. If that makes sense. Thank you again!
@mytwistedsoul I very much understand the depressive parts *lurking*. Sometimes, the terrible feelings are too evident, too much to bear. Too much than we can handle. Other times, it's not too showy, but you know it's there. It's like you're wearing a thick jacket but deep inside are weights, no one can see them, and only you can feel them. I want you to know that Bunnie understands. Take a deep breath and tell yourself, somewhere out there, someone else understands. And someone else is proud for the small victories that led you here. Have a happy new year, soul.
@BunnieLuv Thank you , The coat is about right, sometimes it just feels as though someone sneaks more weights into the pockets. It just get so tiring at times. Well ok... all the time. I have a hard time opening up, it's hard to understand that there are people willing to listen to someone that they don't know. There are other's who understand because they share the same experiences or similar ones anyway. I'm not really used to the idea of acceptance. If I can't get acceptance from my own family why should a group of strangers. I am learning a little though. But then I get nervous and pull back. I hope that makes sense. I was told once it's some sort of self preservation or protection thing. Idk.
@mytwistedsoul I get what you mean, twisted... The one with someone trying to sneak up and adding more weights, and I honestly can agree with all the tiring feeling of being someone with mental health baggages. Sometimes, I try to explain it to others and even though they say "Yeah I understand, it's okay", sometimes I feel like they don't really get it. The inherent feeling of being tired even when you just slept. You just have no energy.
It can be hard to open up, yes. I might say that I do understand you, but it is clear that we have different experiences so the only one that can entirely understand your feelings are yourself. But it's safe to say for me that I can honestly feel for you, and I wish for your healing, since I've been through hard times, too, and I wouldn't wish that to anyone else. I am proud of you for reaching out! Sometimes, it takes so much in you just to tell your story. Especially the sad ones.
If you're feeling like it, feel free to message Bunnie anytime.
@BunnieLuv I don't explain anything to anyone. I used to try but people always would say that's not right and basically made my feelings invalid. So I spend alot of my time questioning myself. Doubting, denying. I depend on myself. I can't depend on anyone else. I don't trust anyone but myself and well, that doesn't go too well either because I can't trust myself. I know what I'm capable of. I'd like to be able to trust someone, to be able to free myself from my head. Idk that sounds kind of weird. I get trapped in my head with my thoughts and my demons. They whisper things sometimes or yell, depends on the situation. We are often our own worst enemies, yeah?
@mytwistedsoul Hi again, twisted. Sometimes I see depression as me being in an endless dark tunnel with no one to turn to. Just me and my own thoughts. But as life goes on, I move, too, but I have no idea where I'm going, nevertheless I just move forward. Sometimes it feels pointless, and I just feel trapped. It's neverending. I understand the thought of you wanting to get out of your head. It's so alienating to not at feel at home inside your head. Someone else has made its home in your mind, and has lived comfortably there. While you, the owner don't even have your own space. I am sorry that people around you had been like that, I wish that they have offered a much more open mind when it comes to you especially that you're going through something like this. (Hugs if wanted. <3)
@BunnieLuv Hi again to you too! I'm sorry it took a few days to get back to you. I'm not sure why but I pulled back. Some of it, I think, is that I'm afraid to depend on something. Although anything that can help, ya know. I'm not sure if I can explain it.
Ah yes...the dark tunnel, does yours have monsters in it too, ones that whisper things and feed the dark thoughts. I need a freaking flashlight! Your head makes you feel like jekyll and hyde. One minute you're fine but then something causes a shift and you change into something unrecognizable. You feel the shift coming but you are helpless to stop it. Anyway.. Thank you for talking with me. I'll try not to be a pain.
@mytwistedsoul My tunnel does have whispers, and monsters... And it's so cold and devoid of life. And it's just my thoughts, weighing down on me over and over and over again..... And as all the thoughts find refuge on my shoulders, I just continue moving forward... but rather than walking, I crawl. And I crawl sooooo hard. Just to move forward. Because I'd rather be anywhere else rather than the same cold, dark position. Nevertheless, there are times that I just want to give up and not crawl anymore. Just freeze. On the spot. And the whispers... They most certainly don't help.
I understand the thought of "not wanting" to depend someone. But would it be helpful if you see this thread as something that you pour your heart into, without any judgment? Thank you for sharing me a slice of your thoughts, and your feelings.
@BunnieLuv It's like you're trying to crawl through quicksand while chained to a boulder. It sucks you down while holding you back. There is as you said no life and cold. Nothing can warm you. Nothing can touch you. You're just there. I hope you have someone to help you when you're feeling that way. I know how it is for me not having anyone. I don't wish that on anyone.
I used to pray for death when I was younger. No prayer's to God for feeding the hungry, no prayer's for the needy. I understood you were not supposed to ask for things for yourself, but it was such a simple prayer. Dear God, Please just let me die. Amen. I tried to help when I could, but when you can even screw that up...
I really do appreciate you taking time out of your day to talk with me. Thank you!
@mytwistedsoul The days might be downright hard but it became a little bit easier because of friends and family. I might not have many "on-call" friends--I can count them with one hand, honestly--nevertheless they're a very good support system I can't live without. But as I've fought tough battles and having trust issues when it comes to people (since the ones I used to trust caused me so much depression), I've lately had issues with a newly found so-called "friend" making fun of my suicidal tendencies and I've never felt so appalled and offended for the first time in months. But, I'll try not to exemplify it anymore.
I am sorry that you've had these feelings since you were younger. There might've been countless prayers from you like these and I am sorry if there are times that you felt so alone that you resorted to having these wishes for yourself. I wish that in time it would be a little different for you, maybe not for your younger self anymore but rather for the future you. May your prayers be filled with thankfulness and happiness next time, for I wish you happiness--you deserve it.
@BunnieLuv I'm sorry someone made fun of what you're going through.
It amazes and dumbfounds me that anyone would make fun of something so serious. I would love for people like that to spend a day or two in my head. Just to see how they handle it. Hell even if they just spent an hour, then I could ask.."now do you see?" It's like constant winter. How would they handle it day after day, week after week, year after year.
I would imagine that there have been a few people who have made fun of me. I have been egged on.. I had an uncle hand me a gun and tell me to get on with it, so the family can move on. I think he was surprised that I pulled the trigger. It wasn't loaded, so E for effort. My mother..such a wonderful woman, told me to do what I want, but don't get blood on the carpet. It was new. The tile in the bathroom was easier to clean. Pill's are a little cleaner but they can make you sick. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, I apologize if I upset or offended you.
It's not like I choose to feel this way. If I had my way I wouldn't be trapped in this damn tunnel, fumbling around looking for an escape.
I joined a group chat discussion today. That was a first. I was so nervous. I'm still alittle agitated. I didn't add a whole lot to the conversation but just the fact the I went in. Told you people make me nervous. I don't normally seek people out. I feel pretty good about it though, guess that ok. At least until I start to over think it. But I have music blaring in my ears to keep the noise down in there. Thank you for letting me share this with you.
@mytwistedsoul Hello there. I am so proud of you for taking that step! That seemed daunting! But I'm so happy to see that you took the risk anyway and did it. I understand that it can make you so anxious and nervous, don't force yourself too much, you can just do it whenever you're comfortable with it. Celebrate small victories (if you consider this a victory for yourself). Have a great day ~
Maybe it's time for a new haircut 😁💁♀️
I am so proud of your progess! Keep it up 💕
@ModernityHasFailedUs Thank you, but let's not rush things! I'm all ready thinking I shouldn't have. A moment of courage, bravery..stupidity.