Fingers

Hi

I'm a volleyball player and libero, with problems of self harm in past. And I push myself very very hard. It wasn't anything weird for me. On the previous training I have hit my wrist so hard it was all purple, and it felt okay. I was telling myself that I'm oversensitive, when my friends saw it they were disturbed they told me it looks terrible, only then I realized not only it looks terrible but also feels, and that I consciously, pushed it too far. But that didn't really wake me up, it was my little finger. I knew that I dislocated it twice in the same place and hit repeatedly during training, it hurted asf but I played still, not giving my best is not an option. And then I looked at it, and I realized how it hurts, and looks. It's twice size of the normal one and very not straight. And that I did it to myslef, that I play without any second thoughts about my health and that I never feel like I give enough. I don't know what to do I have a competition in two weeks and I don't want to fuck it up, but also I'm afraid that I won't be able to tell when I push it too far and do myslef serious harm, before it's too late.