My story, how I started, got back up and how I fell again multiple times (possible trigger warning?)

So I was 10 months clean, almost a year. I started 'hurting' myself physically since I was 12 I think. I read a book and I wondered how it felt. The main character was going through self-harm too. At that time I was really sinking down. Like in the deep deep deep blue sea. Anyways, I tried it for the first time in the winter of 2017 I think and I couldn't stop. That night... I didn't sleep a lot. My arms hurt and so did my thighs. I put band-aids on the small ones and wrapped the bigger ones with gauze. Thought the moment I cut did help me at the time, the consequences were difficult. I had to go to school the next day and my bag was really heavy. I had to put it on the wet bus floor to not hurt my thighs too much. I was sweating in gym, I couldn't take off my sweater, because of the gauze. Dude that stuff hurt. I had to be careful when replacing the gauze and band-aids. At home it was all the same. My parents didn't know and they don't know that I did that to myself. If they did, they didn't say anything. Anyways, I continued till spring came. In the beginning of spring a guy tried to commit suicide. He came to school and told face to face his friends that he was sorry and wished he was stronger, but he wasn't. The second my friend told me what happened, my cuts ached and ached, they stung and stung like crazy. I stopped and was clean for the rest of the school year. In the summer, my parents read my diary and they sent me to see a psychologist. She simply told me to look in the positive and look on the bright side of things. I didn't go back after the 2nd session. What a waste of money that was. So I was clean for a week after the visit to the psychologist. I cut once more after coming out to a friend and she lied that she would be there for me. I made a forum post about it, but I think it was deleted by someone. Oh well. It has happened before, not like I didn't expect that to happen. I might write it again and again and again. I want people to see it. I want 'Her' to see it. It's a small possibility though. Oh well. Anyways, I was clean for the rest of that summer. I did it again in November of 2018, I was going through a life of lies and had just realized I had been hanging out with a bunch of fakes. Only used me when they needed me. Ignored me completely when I was choking on food. Nearly died. Luckily someone saw and helped me. So yeah, but this time I cut only my arms. The legs I needed them for gym. I stopped again after this girl was doing it too. I wanted to hug her and say that I am like her. But the rumors that were around her and all the negative things my friends said about her, told me that I should stop, if I don't want to be hated. I heard she was going through some things at home. I felt like my reasons weren't valid enough. Her parents were verbally abusive, while mine's were mentally abusive. So I stopped and it was I think... was in fall of 2018. I was clean for 10 months after that (If mental self-harm doesn't count) I did it again last week. I recently read a book about a girl's recovery from self-harm. She was a cutter and one of her friends was a burner. I never heard of burning so I tried it. I wondered if it would have a different impact from cutting. I was also going through a lot of stress from not only school, but parents, friends, drama, online stuff and my mind and heart. I miss 'Her', but she hurt me emotionally and mentally, which lead me to hurting myself physically as well as the two others. So I tried burning and again, it worked for me... So yeah. I was almost a year clean and I did it again. I've also been considering burning myself more, but I know I'd never. I have a gang to take care of.

So yeah that's my story so far. Weird ain't it? I always fall and go back up then fall again, but I don't really care anymore. Life's just terrible and I learned to live and suck it up. Anyways, Take care and Stay safe. Love you all. And Try to Stay strong. Goodbye lovelies ^^

*edited by @rebecca947 to change wording. Feel free to PM for more information*