Relapsing

I guess I just thought it would be easier by now... I've been clean for a while and I'm proud of myself but I still feel shame. I have some years under my belt clean, yet I'm still struggling sometimes daily for distractions. Sometimes I just don't know what comes over me but my skin boils beneath and it's exhausting me trying to get through it this time.

I feel as though I may relapse as summer approaches, my anxiety gets the better of me, which is self sabotaging and counterintuitive because it won't make the situation better it will just take some of the edge off. I know I'm not abnormal but I certainly don't feel normal when people stare at me on the beach. I struggle trying to feel ok in my own scarred skin because I have no choice but to live in it. What do you do? I'm drowning in my self because I'm ashamed of my body but it's not like I can change my own skin... how do I get comfortable with the scars of SH and the looks from passerbyers who think I'm some sort of freak without turning to SH to comfort myself in the process? every time I try to get better I substitute something else. I don't want to be this way constantly searching for a better unhealthy replacement...

I guess I just don't understand my mind - I work in law, I'm a decent person, I have decent friends/support, but it always comes back to this. Every relapse I get closer to the edge when all I want is to not feel this urge anymore but I can never seem to shake her off for good. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have suggestions? I'm running out of ideas...