The addiction is real

Hi, I'm new to 7cups in general but wanted to be proactive about my current emotional and mental state.

Some backgroud: I was giving in to self-harm for about 2 years when I was 15-17ish, then got counseling and on meds for my anxiety and depression and slowly recovered. I'm 21 now and I've been fighting to stay clean and have been for about 3ish years (ignoring a couple one-time slips).

Honestly, one of the biggest things I struggle with is just simply missing it. I miss cutting. I miss being about to silence some of my overwhelming anxiety through pain. And that's a completely unhealthy mindset, I am fully aware. It's also not something I allow myself to chose, but it's just crazy to me that it's always there. And frustrating. So frustrating. Like, I'll just be in class or in any situation that slightly hightens my stress levels and my brain will be like "heyyyy you know what we could do?" And I just have to shut it down and sometimes verbally say "no!" to those thoughts because they are just ridiculous and not allowed. But I'll still end up digging my nails into my palms or do something to make myself hurt a little bit. And then I have to fight myself doing that too.

Anybody relate? Any suggestions?

XX