First time to post anything on here

Hi, its the first time for me to post anything on here, but I need to get some things out. Two years ago, my brother did something. I am not going to say what, and its all over now, but it kind of wrecked my family for a while (still is, actually). There was a lot of fighting and anger and so much went on in my house. At the same time, I was being bullied at school. It wasnt that big of a deal, just your usual mean comments and laughing that youd expect. Still, I was really upset. I felt like I couldnt do anything. So one day, (trigger warning) I grabbed a safety pen and cut. Oddly, it made me feel a lot better. So the next night, I did it again. Im not going to be graphic, but there ended up being around 40 cuts on my wrist and I eventually turned to knives. One night, I cut a little too deep, and I panicked. It took a long time to heal. So, I stopped cutting. I got better. I learned to see the good things in life, to enjoy things, to manage my stress. The thing with my brother blew over. I was okay again. Then, the year after that, things got bad again. It was the end of the year and I was stressed and anxiety ridden and I was sleeping maybe three hours every night. But I didnt cut, and soon it was summer, and I was better. Better, until next year, which is this year. I met my best friend, I was happy... until I wasnt. I started thinking about cutting again, and I was unhappy and felt miserable. Every day was a struggle. I didnt do homework, I didnt sleep, I felt sick, I begged my parents to let me stay home from school. One day, I found out my best friend had been cutting. It broke my heart. He was my everything and he always made me laugh and we were so close. I couldnt imagine he hadnt told me how he was feeling. I felt terrible he couldnt come to me. But I told him to stop and that I was there for him, and he has stopped, and hes going to see somebody about it. On the last week of school before summer, I cut with my safety pin. I couldnt help it, I felt so horrible and helpless. I was a bad person who was doing nothing with my life. But it had been a while since I cut, and someone saw. He promised he wouldnt tell anyone. My best friend saw too. We promised each other wed stop though, and I was good for about two weeks. Until I wasnt. One night my parents were arguing (about my brother) and I took a knife, a serrated one, and cut a lot of my leg. There was so much blood. I couldnt lie to my best friend, so when he asked me if I cut, I said yes. He wants me to tell my mom, but Im so ashamed of myself. Who cuts their own body? Whats wrong with me? I disgust myself. Usually I feel better over the summer, but for some reason I still feel horrible. Anyways, thats my story, Im glad I wrote all this out.