I feel close to relapsing

TW: Self harm, Self harm thoughts, self harm description, cigarettes addiction.

I'm 3/4 years clean, and I'm tired. I know it's not healthy, and I know I shouldn't even think about relapsing, my life is better now, everything is normal, I feel healthy, and I am healthier.

But since I stopped smoking (I'm almost 4 months clean by now) the urge of relapsing again is unbearable. I feel the urge to smoke and when I don't smoke, I feel the urge to cut and it's so overwhelming that it's paralyzing me.

Specially because when I stopped self harm, I basically exchanged one for the other. So, when I felt stressed, or sad, or had to deal with any overwhelming feeling, I still could smoke my cigarettes. Now that I stopped both, I have no other form of relief.

Everything it's a trigger, the smell of cigarettes for example brings me back to the worst time of my life, and the worst part is that sometimes I miss it. I miss being self-destructive, I miss being sick, It's almost a nostalgic feeling, and It makes feel so guilty about it because self harm isn't fun, isn't “aesthetic” is awful, and I'm aware of that. But at the same time, the urges is so strong that I have to stop myself from thinking about it every time I have to face a strong feeling.

I almost feel like healing is kind of a trigger because now I'm aware of the “healthy ways of coping” but the healthy ways are hard as fuck, it's so much work every single day of being a functional human. It's so much work dealing with your emotions, being the “mature one” in every fucking interaction, I feel like I'm gonna to explode anytime. I'm afraid that if I continue like that it's a matter of time before I have a mental breakdown, I feel guilty about getting better, and I feel guilty about wanting to be worst, I want so much to release all these emotions, but I feel like I have no other way of doing that outside drinking, smoking or cutting myself, and I'm so fucking tired of journaling about it because it doesn't make go away.

But it took so much time and hard work to get here, finally, after all the hell I went through I have a little of control in my life and I don't know why I want to throw everything through the window now. I'm just so tired.