Urges (TW probably)
I've been clean for a year but every single day is a constant struggle and I don't know how to fight it. Like obviously I've been good about it but I reeeeaaaaaallllly want to cave. I just want someone to tell me "Yes, you've earned it. Your grandma died, you have no friends, you hate where you live, you wfh, theres a global pandemic. Just this once, go ahead. People will understand that you're going through a lot. Your boyfriend will not be mad and will not automatically assume its his fault. Treat yo self to a guilt free splurge" And then just this once I would do it and then go back to being good. I know its not realistic or healthy though. I thought by now the urges would fade but that hasn't been the case at all, they've only gotten stronger. And none of those therapy hacks like snapping a rubber band or holding ice even come close for me.
@Kiwi9673
Hi there !
I'm taking the liberty to answering to your post because I can relate to it pretty well.
First of all, congrats on being clean for year !! That's such a great milestone to reach and it shows how strong you are considering that you're fighting the urges everyday. It seems like you're going through a lot at the moment, hard times do tend to push us to our limits ... I'm sorry to hear about all these issues ! I have to say that I'm glad that you have people around you that you feel would understand you. Just like you I have this constant little voice in the back of my head telling me that "you know one time isn't the end of the world" and yes there would be many reasons that would justify the actions. As for managing the urges, the little hacks such a snapping a band and all that don't work for me either. I have two ways of dealing with these thoughts, I don't know if they'll help you.
1) When the urge is really intense, I always ask myself is SH is really what I want. SH usually occurs when we have a hard time dealing with our emotions, I try to focus on what I'm feeling and how I could soothe the emotions instead of self harming.
2) Keeping my mind busy. Whether it's listening to music, writing, painting or just reading. I try to keep my mind busy so I dont overthink all this. The more I think about SH the more I want to do it.
All in all it's finding what works for you and I get that it's not easy when it's there everyday and sometimes we don't know what to do with it. There are a few things of your post that I'd like to point out :
- You talk about being good when not self harming, sure it's better to not do it but that doesn't mean that you're bad when you do it. You're struggling with all this and it's a very human reaction.
- Everyone is allowed mistakes and if you do relapse then all is not lost, it's part of the recovery.
- You, just as everyone else, are worthy of love and most of all, you're worthy of self love. Maybe you could focus some of your attention on self care ?
Hang in there, you seem like you have a strong soul ! If need be, we're here :) Take care <3
@Slizzy564
hi, thanks for responding. Do you ever find that your thoughts become so strong that all you can do is just sit in a ball. Sometimes I feel like I can't get out of bed or I can't enter the kitchen bc I might put my hands on something sharp.
I also love to block print but I lose all motivation to move or get out of bed when I get urges. I dont know how to express what I'm feeling in my art. Nobody wants to buy something dark and scary anyway.
@Kiwi9673
No problem !
Hum it's not quite the same, when my thoughts are noisy, I just zone out you know ? So yeah I sit there but not because I'm scared, I'm sorting through my thoughts. But I do get you on having a hard time getting out of bed, that happens sometimes ! I'm sorry to hear that you avoid some rooms because of the objects that are there, though it does seem like a good way to not be tempted !
Doing stuff (and I mean anything from daily life to hobbies) can be harder when we're in a bad mindset. Sometimes I just 'force' myself to do stuff because really once I've taken the first step, the rest is easier. As for expressing yourself through your art, there doesn't have to be a specific way. You just do you. And by the way, I love dark, gloomy aesthetics so you never know ;)
@Kiwi9673
Hey there Kiwi! I saw Slizzy gave you an amazing response, but I have felt very similarly in the past and wanted to reply as well! There are many days where I feel similar to this, and they can be very challenging. Also, a year clean is a huge achievement! That's absolutely amazing! I'm super super proud of you. 2 things that I have found help me with urges are journaling and different distractions! I find that when I keep my hands busy, my mind starts to forget about the urges, or it lessens them. Journaling is a great way to express my emotions, and that way I can start to see that I, as Slizzy mentioned, do not want to SH, but I want a way to express/deal with my emotions. It may be helpful for you! Or, you could try distraction! This is a way to get your mind off of what you're feeling! For example, you could go for a walk, or listen to music, or draw! These also may be helpful for you! I wish you the best of luck, and please know you can always reach out to our wonderful listeners!
@cocoakrispies121 is scratching yourself with a paper clip on purpose considered self harm? Even when you don't bleed or it just leaves a light scar that will fade away soon
@marshmellow120
I'm not too entirely sure, and I don't want to say something that may be incorrect :)
@cocoakrispies121 alright thanks
@marshmellow120 I have the same question. in my mind it counts bc of the intention. The other day I didn't have anything so I used the back of my stud earring.