hey

I dont know how this is happening. I don't even know why I tried in the first place. It's only been a few weeks, and It's not that bad (I think) but already I can tell I'm getting urges. I don't even know why I'm doing it. Most of all, I made the sh marks look like regular injuries- just like on my arms and hands. No one has questioned it so far. The people who mentioned it took my story of that I was playing with my dog and fell a couple times. They're in plain sight and part of me really really wants someone to notice, but I'm terrified of my guardians finding out. They're on my hands and a couple scratches on the backs of my arms, so people see but they don't care. Or think anything of it. I don't know why I'm making it visible, but I'm going to try and research and maybe journal it down like last time I git bad (no sh then, but a lot worse mindstate). I missed a therapy session today and it's the worst timing- I have to wait two weeks before seeing someone actually trained to help with this. Thus, I've come back to 7 cups (with a new account). I'm not scared, It'll be ok, I just really feel awful. I might try to talk to someone at my school. I won't tell them about the sh but about how my depression is back. I don't know why but my meds aren't helping as much anymore. I'm afraid of switching again because last time things got really bad. I'm dissociating really often and go from feeling amazing to depressed so amazing several times a day, and I just want to feel better. I know tomorrow I'll feel good for an hour or two, but then I'll feel bad again. I just wish I was normal. It hurts a lot, and my chest feels so heavy, but I'm tryna stay chipper. A lot of my friends aren't doing too good, and honestly the fact that they need me, and even better, want me and think I help is hat' keeping me up. I gotta be ok, for them.

I don't know what the point of this is, but I guess this is just me trying to log the beginning of (hopefully) getting out of this depression. I'm hoping I could get some help through this, and try to stop this sh from continuing. -Felicity Falls / Felix <3