i don't know what i'm doing

i guess you can say i'm pretty "okay-ish" when you see me and ask how i'm doing, and as much as i feel like i need to open up to someone i know, i can't. i don't know why. it might be the fact i don't want to ruin my friends' day with my own problems. my life is pretty okay. i mean considering covid, my family has been pretty lucky with our resources and stuff like that. we didn't have to sacrifice a lot of things to survive, you know? and i'm thankful that it's like that. it started during this one morning where we got up early to swim, and i had left my swimming clothes back in our other house. long story short, i made my mom angry because she had to get it (and i was completely fine with not swimming but she didn't listen to me), which ruined both our mornings. in the pool, i accidentally hit my sister's head with the ball and i swear it really wasn't my intention but my parents thought that i did it on purpose. i started self harming there. i've read other posts and it seems that sharing methods is kind of not allowed so i'll respect that. i don't know what i'm doing, as the title suggests. i used to self harm when i was in 6th grade, but haven't done it since because my guidance counselor made me sign a no self-harm agreement which was basically if i broke the terms, she would get my parents involved. now that i'm no longer under her, the realization that i could do this just overwhelmed me and i sat on my bed and contemplated doing it. i did it anyways, twice in one day. and i'm going to be completely honest i felt like i deserve all the pain that i put myself through. if it wasn't for the fact i had to go, i would've most likely continued self harming. that happened like a month ago but being stuck my house, i've had many opportunities i could've taken but thankfully I haven't. i don't know how to stop self harming. i came unto 7cups for advice and i'm really hoping i could get some, thank you in advance!