Vent (SH TW)
It sucks doesn't it ? I relapsed yesterday and again today. It just sucks that the kick I get from SH is so addicting. I love it too much and I hate it way more. I just wish I could open up about it but that's just too scary. Hell I can't even tell anyone that I'm not okay. I put on that fake smile and answer that 'I'm doing great thanks and you ?'. Changing the course of conversation is way easier. Sometimes I just wish that someone would notice that something's up but how would they know when I hide my emotions so well ? In the end I give up trying because it's so tiring and so hurtful when things don't work out.
So I guess it's time to move on and 'get myself a life' as my dad so nicely told me.
@Slizzy564
Hey there Slizzy ! Im really sorry to hear you relapsed, I really get you about the kick of SH being so addicting, both loving it and hating it… Plus wishing someone would just get it and see through your Im doing great and notice that youre changing the course of the conversation, but at the same time opening up being so scary. I guess lots of us can (unfortunately) relate to that, at least I know I can, so it might not be super helpful but I just wanted you to know that youre not alone through this <3 Were here for you and sure its not the same as things happening in real life, but if youre feeling like opening up, any time, my pms are open and I get how scary it is to open up so we can take just however how long you need to feel comfortable to open up.
It is indeed really tiring to try, plus incredibly tiring to hide your emotions and pretend everything is okay, as well as hurtful when things end up not working no matter how hard you tried, but I hope you can still keep trying, even if its not as hard so as to rest a bit for now - you deserve for things to get easier and I hope your efforts can pay off. Ill be cheering you on!
@LinearWaves
Hi there ! Thank you so much for your message, it went straight to my heart and warmed it up a little bit <3 I might send you a pm once I've built up the courage, thank you for your offer. At the moment I'm stuck between wanting to keep trying to open up and just shutting everthing down completly. It's a weird place to be !
I'm feeling a bit better today but I'm kinda dreading this evening. It's usually at night time when things get harder. Let's hope today will be not too bad. I don't want to go back to square one.
@Slizzy564
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@LinearWaves
I like the imagery of a tightrope walker very much. It fits my situation pretty well. I don't think I'm going to fall today though, more like I'm hanging upside down looking at the void, if that makes any sense. But yeah just as you said, nothing is set in stone. Quite a comforting thought.
Tonight is better (I think). I'm not as sad but I really don't know what to do with myself. I should be trying to sleep but my mind hasn't decided to shut down, so I've been doodling a lot. Keeps my hands busy. Now I'm just kinda frustrated because it's not as good as I want. So much for a calming activity ! I do have some sort of a routine, always have my shower at the same time then dinner after that. Apart from that I just do whatever comes to mind. I'm enjoying my scented candle these days.
@Slizzy564
So much for a calming activity, youre right ! But well, being creative unfortunately too often ends up like that… Its good though that youve turned to doodling to keep your hands busy while waiting for your mind to shut down!
@Slizzy564
So I guess it's time to move on and 'get myself a life' as my dad so nicely told me.
Hi Slizzy <3 I'm sorry this response is coming a bit late.. I truly hope this week was easier for you and I'm really sorry to hear that you relapsed and that you're having a really hard time with SH lately... I'm sure Linear pretty much said everything I wanted to say but I just wanted to add some extra validation in there. It's very normal for relapse to happen and it doesn't mean you any less stronger than you already are. It's true that SH can be extremely addicting. As someone who has experienced that and gone through that journey, I agree with ya and can empathize how bad it can get :( I can also heavily empathize with what you were saying about keeping your emotions in. I sorta do that too and understand where you're coming from. It can be really frustrating! I hope you're able to find those that care about you and that you can trust. You got this <3 we are here for you.
@TheAtticusFinch
Hey Atticus ! I don't mind late replies, I like all replies. It's kind of you to even reply at all, so thanks <3
This week was a tiring one, so it was neither harder nor easier ... I suppose the word 'journey' sums it up quite well doesn't it ? I'm pretty aware of the way recovery is and the alternative solutions and what not. Doesn't change that fact that at the end of day, I still give in to my thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I have to choose my battles. Give in sometimes so I can fight again tomorrow if that makes any sense ?
It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who keeps things bottled up. Any tips on helping me open up ?
Those who care about me can't really support me at the moment, so really thanks for your message, it warmed my heart <3