Introduction.
Hello. You can call me Johann. My upbringing was cold and harsh, leaning heavily on severe punishments to keep my siblings and I in line.
Around age seven, I began administering my own punishments to myself whenever I felt I had fucked up, which was often. I recently turned over a new leaf and have decided to stop. I realized that self-punishment is not productive. It doesn't push me to get better, like I thought, but instead only makes me feel worse.
Even though I know this, it's still difficult to stop myself when the urge hits. I feel like a weakling, a coward, because I don't want to pointlessly hurt myself.
I'm looking forward to talking with you all.
@RecycledSoul77
Hi Johann, welcome here! I am happy you have joined our subcommunity and I hope we will be able to help you and make you feel supported.
I am really sorry to hear that your upbringing was that painful and that you felt the need to punish yourself so early in your life. I am proud of you for wanting to take care of yourself. I would encourage you to be compassionate towards yourself and do not see you as a coward: you are totally not. SH is not something to be ashamed of: it is unhealthy, yes, but it also is a coping mechanism we develop to survive and deal with difficult emotions. But within you, you have the strenght to find an healthy way to do that. You are not alone in this journey. I do hope to see you around!